Confusion and Need

Will I always be plagued with this inner need, take a blade my sanctuary to bleed. Hide my face with long black hair, hide the scars from ripe despair. Everyone can look, dont bother to judge. You think me better, but still I am plagued with thoughts of suicide. "Take your meds dear" Stupid mother. How do you feel to be drugged beyond senses. I wish to grab that knife, rip through my skin til i see my vein, an rip through that too til i cry from too much pain. I want to gouge my eyes out, so i cant see the worthlessness that stares back at me. Am i insane? Beyond repair? Deep breathes now, two ways out. Pills or knife. Feels sort of right, to down these pills the doctors drug me with. Poetic, that it should be the instrument of my death, while their meant to better me. Sleep, These meds will help me sleep. Sleep forever darling. But within my mind I see you cry. See the needle by your side. Your lifeless body given to over dose, all because of me. I try to tell myself that you dont need me. To lie and lie til I'm not breathing. But i see your handsome face, those lovely lips, cursing me. Why'd you ever trust in me? To be the one, to keep you safe. You thought i could keep my blood within my veins. NO! Its to much to think on. To much to handle. I can't put you through this pain, not now. I want to be held by you before I go. Light up that pipe give you a show. Get messed up together, and finally know, what it's like to lay with love. The touch of skin, the beginning of sin. NO! This is why I must go.. This i cant handle. Scared beyond belief, because I need you.