Confused

No one used to love me the way I’m loved now, No one needed me the way I’m needed now, I don’t understand why, I don’t understand what I have done, For some reason I am loved and I want to know why. A lovely man who adores me, A mum who needs me in her arms, A sister who stirs and rattles me up, Kids who want to play with me, A mentor who once hated me and now doesn’t. I wish I understood why they cared, Are they lying or is it true? Do I fall to their love or pretend it’s not true. I don’t have expectations anymore, I have been buried and hurt before, Now my pain is starting to settle, I’m feeling confused. Am I really loved or is it just a lie? If it’s a lie I don’t want to be here, Is it time to put the past away and believe I am loved? Can a person really heal their past pains, Their traumas of being left alone, Could a life really happen that you thought would only happen in a dream? To trust or not to trust, To believe or not to believe, To stay or to go, Something I do not know. From a violent childhood full of pain and hurt, Things a child shouldn’t feel or see, I was told I was loved once, Now I do not know. I’m told I’m loved but I can’t believe it no matter What’s shown. I have a fear of trusting, a fear of loving and a fear Of being told I’m loved and then left behind again. I locked my heart many years ago, It’s starting to open, And yet here I am, All confused.