Circle of Joy

She was put into my arms Much smaller than I ever imagined Is this the color they are? Her eyes are shut She looks like a baby bunny I am almost afraid to touch her She is wrapped up in a blanket Wearing a tiny hat on her tiny head I have never felt so joyful I knew I would be excited But this is ridiculous An emotion of joy I have never felt I stare at her Her life is in my hands I am her mommy I grin thinking about that She is my live doll We have already agreed on the name Angela I hope I do not have to fight for it now I am content; she is here, finally. A girl. I had always thought boy. A girl is great, fine, wonderful. Angela Jo – we had already decided on his name as the middle. I am sitting up, not wanting to share her when he comes in. More loving begins. I stare at the woman in the bed. She is much smaller than she has ever been. Is this what cancer does to your mother? Her legs are sticks. She kicks the blankets off, and I see she wears a diaper. A diaper on my mother! This is the weirdest thing. I take her tiny hand and try to talk to her. She is gargling and her teeth are distorted. She is making no sense. I sit with her for forty-two of the longest minutes of my life. She is no longer my mother. Cancer has changed her. She is gray and tiny, thin. She is not communicating. She is gurgling and kicking. She is thrashing and makes no sense. I have stopped talking to her. I am now praying for the end. I want Jesus to come and get her. God hears my prayers and comes for her. It is a relief; for her and for me. Worst day of my life. Three days later Angela Jo gives the eulogy Best funeral I have ever attended. Circle of Joy