Cashing a Feeling

I use to be and might still be
completely dedicated, 
chasing a better feeling, 
I needed to, I want to. 
Constantly running from the silence, 
that is deafening. 
Every day is the last time 
I will motivate myself, 
I will feel in control, till the feeling fades 
and dread will once again fall upon me. 
Wishing I can keep my promise to myself, 
but soon I will convince myself it's okay, 
this time will be the last. 

My best friend is the night, 
that loyalty and safe feeling, 
Everything second is welcoming. 

A little bit to keep the feeling in place, 
my mind will play tricks my thoughts so abstract 
and my reality will start to play. 

Awake, so awake 
into the early hours, talking to myself. 
playful to make a blanket fort, 
and i will disappear in an imaginary world. 
sometimes wishing for a child-like imagination,  
again to create an imaginary friend.

But most nights I wanted to be a freak, 
concentrating hard to lose my mind, 
the madness 
the total loss of control, 
will make space
in my mind. 
Thoughts overflow 
like too much popcorn on the stove. 

I need a pick me up again, 
chasing a better feeling 
I need to defeat this dread. 
It’s my fault for letting you get to me, 
it’s my fault for not letting go. 
I constantly waiting, 
watching, thinking of ways to fix it, 
constantly refilling my thoughts, 
wasting my time with of you, 
disguised as something amazing, 
so intoxicating. 
the tempary confidence 
and motivation. 

I am tortured by my mind
and uncertain constantly. 
A little more will keep it away. 
I am drowning while you smile
enjoying your masterpiece of distraction.

Copyright © Amelia Pond | Year Posted 2021

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