CAN'T FIND HOME

Never understood why my family had hate and contempt for one another, definitely not wanting to be together. Never felt like home as a child only relentless worry and fear, rejected in an unsafe place. Never felt a sense of belonging although I made many attempts to find my place after being cast out of our family home. Never grasped why not having a family deterred so many people I met over the years from having a relationship with me. Never felt like home while moving from one place to another feeling unwanted and discarded living alone in New York. Never had feelings of a home even though there were countless people around me on the streets, I existed as a solitary person. Never had feelings of home in Florida either though my mom and brother were there I was abandoned once again, living in exile. Never knowing if a cold-hearted family, and an abusive childhood made it hopeless in finding an honest-to-goodness home. In another strange and desolate place, Arizona this time, alienated living as a recluse, once again this is not my home. Never expected with moving to these other states that the people I met would hold my New York upbringing against me. Never imagined that uprooting my life numerous times to find a home would leave me in such isolation. Never imagined I would live my entire life without a caring family instead I’m living without any significant roots. Never thought roaming from place to place in a vague and impulsive way would cause feelings of emptiness instead of a home. Never knowing if the two homes I provided for my only child, my sweet son, did he feel the inadequacy of a sincere loving home too? Nowadays, I wonder if I was meant to stay in New York and etch out a life that was practical while still feeling vacant. Never thought living so far away from New York would make me feel so lost not knowing where I belong, and still can’t find home. Never finding my home has me wondering if there is something I’m missing or am I always at the wrong place at the wrong time. Praying I make it to Heaven so I can finally feel cherished and be at a sincere place and in a truly devoted home.