Can't Find Home
Never understood why my family had
hate and contempt for one another,
definitely not wanting to be together.
Never felt like home as a child
only relentless worry and fear,
rejected in an unsafe place.
Never felt a sense of belonging although
I made many attempts to find my place
after being cast out of our family home.
Never grasped why not having a family
deterred so many people I met over the
years from having a relationship with me.
Never felt like home while moving from
one place to another feeling unwanted
and discarded living alone in New York.
Never had feelings of a home even though
there were countless people around me on
the streets, I existed as a solitary person.
Never had feelings of home in Florida either
though my mom and brother were there
I was abandoned once again, living in exile.
Never knowing if a cold-hearted family,
and an abusive childhood made it hopeless
in finding an honest-to-goodness home.
In another strange and desolate place,
Arizona this time, alienated living as a
recluse, once again this is not my home.
Never expected with moving to these
other states that the people I met would
hold my New York upbringing against me.
Never imagined that uprooting my life
numerous times to find a home
would leave me in such isolation.
Never imagined I would live my entire
life without a caring family instead I’m
living without any significant roots.
Never thought roaming from place to place in
a vague and impulsive way would cause
feelings of emptiness instead of a home.
Never knowing if the two homes I provided
for my only child, my sweet son, did he feel
the inadequacy of a sincere loving home too?
Nowadays, I wonder if I was meant to
stay in New York and etch out a life
that was practical while still feeling vacant.
Never thought living so far away from New York
would make me feel so lost not knowing
where I belong, and still can’t find home.
Never finding my home has me wondering if
there is something I’m missing or am I always
at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Praying I make it to Heaven so I can finally
feel cherished and be at a sincere place
and in a truly devoted home.
Copyright © Diane Perna | Year Posted 2024
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