By The Book
(A well-groomed, well-spoken man begins to talk. He has a mobile phone in his hand)
Good (evening) my name is Charles, but you can call me “sir”
I’ve not been knighted yet, but it’s the title I prefer
And to complete this informal introduction
I should tell you that I’m a big shot in housing and construction.
I’m having issues with a competitor, let’s just call him Stan.
A short, fatish, hard working sort of man.
The salt of the earth they say, making his way in the building trade
A fussy, working class sort of chap, but always proud of what he’s made
Everything’s done by the book
It hasn’t just got to look right
It’s got to be right
Even on site
Everything’s got be square, or plumb, done with care
“Nuffin’ dodgy”, he says, “Know what I mean”?
I think it’s a bit dumb
What’s wrong with a shortcut if it can’t be seen?
He pays through the nose for top class kit
And it takes him an age to check every fit
Everything just so, tight, snug, listen for the “oh so satisfying click”
Time taken over every bit
Every last bloody brick
Even the pointing
Has to be pointing
In the right direction
To justify the careful selection of colour and mix
There’s absolutely no room for fiddle or fix
Oh sure, it looks nice, feels good
Perfect brickwork
Quality wood
The whole thing sounds perfectly boring
Little Miss Perfect from ridge tiles to flooring
Solar panels, triple glazing, Eco-friendly, tech savvy
He even uses Grey water to flush the lavvy
I can’t even lament
The quality cement
Nor be conceited about
The foundations he’s concreted
But the chap needs to see
He can learn so much from me.
My bottom line is quite fantastic
Even if my standards are, well,
Somewhat elastic.
It’s my fondest, biggest dream
To turn a profit, skim the cream
To be a fat cat sat on a pile of gold
Lots of houses built and sold
Situational ethics is what it’s called
If you think my houses look good, don’t be fooled
Behind the posh exterior
Some of the work is, well, inferior.
For example, the installation of cavity insulation
There exists a building regulation
Giving all the information about what U value I must achieve
Well I have zero inclination
To match this configuration
So in every planning application I’m aiming to deceive
And if this causes consternation
Go ahead. Make an allegation
I’ll sue for defamation
Tie you up in libel litigation
Until, with dawning realisation of my total vindication
You come on bended knee to ask for reconciliation.
Well now, back to Stan
A pernickety, frustrating man
The only place he’d build his house was on prime, development land
I’ve built mine so much more cheaply
I don’t mind a little sand.
(The phone rings)
Excuse me while I take a phone call from my wife
You don’t, my dear, need to worry about a little rain…
Yes I know we’re by the river and the risk of flood is quite a pain…
What’s that? Are you sure? You can see a crack that’s growing in the plaster?
I’ll be right there.
(Ends the call, then to the audience…)
Excuse me folks I have to go…
There’s been a terrible disaster.
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