But I Need This

I'm in denial, lost in a sea of faces a school of beautiful, captivating rainbow fish passing without a second thought about the world jealous, I am, of that so I kick off my shoes in a hurry to join in the merriment but I teeter on my heels a five year old scared to swim for the first time In my head, I'm shoving myself I need this...I need this... but I live on the edge, still staring out hesitant and terrified Come on, come on; I need this...I need this... jump in, don't fear; jump in, don't think so I don't and I jump off, jump off but doubt laughed as I drowned I need this...I need this... I'm a shut-in, a hermit what purpose is there to leave when you have no one to see where can you go when there's nowhere at all The dirty walls of my room is my world my movie theater, my restaurant The same black hole in which I rest is the same black hole I wish to escape but I need this...I need this... I'm not a social butterfly, I can't handle crowds but I can't keep waking to the same four walls in this cell screaming out to phantoms to rid myself of the monotony What's wrong with me, always bringing me down Why am I the losing one, my own best friend and worst enemy Am I really waiting on an ally to say 'here take me instead I'd rather not see you all alone' but I am alone...I'm alone... I need this...I need this...but I can't be this... If I can't overcome my anxiety...doesn't matter I'm a loser just the same Here I sit on this raining rooftop a movie-like moment staring into my hands whispering to no one I need this, I need this while angry clouds drown me out suffocating me with the very substance I find peace in Irony...or another thing entirely but I need this...I need this... or I'l committ poetic suicide among these pages say nothing for there's nothing to say as I jump off, jump off I'm going down never to rise again