But For

Though east is east and west is west, each corner lawyers will infest, and one thing they’ll deploy with zest: notorious, the “but for” test. You want to be the one who smirks, once having stomped on stupid jerks? Quell quarrels with that quaintest of quirks, the “but for”. Here is how it works. You suffer damage? Then blame me, denounce my gross iniquity: whate’er the rights and wrongs may be, who utters “but for” walks, scot-free. But for my fault, there’d be no harm? (Let’s say your granny bought the farm): Then I’ll cough up, without a qualm. But what if it’s a false alarm? It would have happened anyway. She couldn’t last another day. They couldn’t keep her AIDS at bay. Then bingo – I don’t have to pay! But for my wrong, remiss omission, your barn would not need demolition: you’re asking for complete rescission: I raise “but for”, and go off fishin’! But for your reckless, rank neglect, my roof might have remained un-wrecked: you should have been more circumspect. What’s that? “But for”? I can’t collect! You think it’s persiflage I’m penning? Bombastic as in Bragg, or Benning? No. Casuistry beyond our kenning, begotten by the Baron Denning! A man shows up at A and E Just after dawn (six forty-three): says all that he’s consumed is tea: his stomach is in agony! The nurse says, “Just go home to bed. The doc won’t come. You’ve overfed. Take aspirin, that’s what he said.” At half-past ten, the patient’s dead. The fault is undeniable. The doc’s defence is friable… What can he say that’s viable? The hospital is liable… Wait! Not so fast. When you’re hard-pressed, when co-defendants have confessed, grenade that damn machine-gun nest! You’ve got “but for”. Apply the test! Do we know how the poor guy died? We checked the tea urn, looked inside. Some unknown weirdo had applied a half a pint of cyanide! He lost his life, and that’s a pity, but let’s get to the nitty gritty: the hospital’s now sitting pretty, for half a pint would kill a city! You get my point? It’s only fair. If I were Quincy or Kildare I couldn’t save, revive or spare the man – he never had a prayer! The guy was dying anyway. There’s nothing anyone can say. His family will have to pay my costs, of course – have a nice day. For all who have recourse to law, like Jonah in that orca’s jaws, remember there’s a rabbit’s paw, that nuclear weapon, named “but for”!