Bud Is Not Wiser

Of all the people who knew me well, My best friend Bud knew me the best. I always turned into a lout, Bud always putting me to the test. It was as if my innards, Were thrown into full throttle. I never saw a man yet, That could hold his beer like a bottle. Boy I could yell, I would have such courage and might, Always ready for a fight, I was such a louse. Uncouth was I, I couldn't see or walk straight, but I loved my stout. I started my car without a second thought, After all, my breath mints were sitting next to me. If I get pulled over, I'll just grin and hopefully I wont have to pee. While sucking on my covert mints, My liquid courage makes me feel boastful. The officer already knows, But he'll use all the resources at his disposal. The lights are bright, And the siren is loud. My eyes hurt, And then my head, it pounds. "Hi sir, I stopped you because, You couldn't stay in your own lane." "I need your license and proof of insurance please," "I'm not drunk," as I mocked with a smile I chose to feign. "Certainley Occifer...here ya go". My courage now challenged by the man in blue. "I detect an alcoholic odor coming from your vehicle, please step out sir, and follow what I say and do." "Place your heel in front of your left foot like this, then walk heel to toe ten times." In my mind I'm already trying, To add up all my tickets and fines. "I can't even do that sober sir," Oh I can't believe I just said that! I stumbled and then I fell, So In the back of the cruiser I sat. Where was Bud when I needed him, It's off to jail I go. I'll never have liquid courage again, Next time Bud invites me out, I'm saying "no!"