Blood On My Pen

I'm going to write until there's blood on my pen Then I'm going to wipe it off & I'm going to get blood on it again Bipolar and psychotic Give me a handle to fly off it If it's on my mind, I might jot it Some may not agree with my topics I'd rather give you the dirt, Why wash it? I'd rather be punched with the truth, than Hugged with a lie Kicked while I was down, forced to look at the sky Wondering if my biological sperm donor would come down and hug me As a kid begging him to put the drink down and love me He wasn't there when he was alive, why did I expect him to save me after death? I was a teen with suicidal thoughts, hoping there's no more chapters left Hated the whole world from a young age Trying to avoid the bullies, so I'd avoid school on some days 27 foster families by age 11 I just couldn't settle Being dragged through hell, going to war with depression and fighting the devil My best friends become blades I got addicted to self-harm Going to school in long sleeved jumpers to hide my arms Feeling worthless, self-esteem low, but I had a high IQ Saying a lot in very few words at school, like I was speaking a haiku Smiling and telling jokes to hide my depression Hiding behind humour to cope Scribbling my favourite rap lyrics during my school lessons Unwilling to show anyone, any of the rhymes I wrote Hood up all day, I didn't wish to show my face Felt like a stranger, everywhere I went, felt like I didn't deserve to know the place "Let's just get through it" was my motto to get through days Girls seemed to have a thing for my damaged ways As soon as i got one, I got another & I couldn't stop Age 13 my virginity was lost I wish I could go back and wait for a girl I cared about Having meaningless sex, yet a hug was something I wouldn't give out Parents never gave me a hug, so I hated that form of affection Stuck in the storm with depression Idolising Eminem, Couldn't go a sentence without saying his name Sitting by the window in the children's home, But my parents never came Had contact six times a year, if they turned up Wondering how I earn love? when I say I'm putting blood on my pen, please don't take it literally I'm saying that I'm going to kill all the sadness and pain in my history Boys overcome their struggles & grow from their mistakes to become men That's why I've got tears on my pad and blood on my pen