Blood On My Pen
I'm going to write until there's blood on my pen
Then I'm going to wipe it off & I'm going to get blood on it again
Bipolar and psychotic
Give me a handle to fly off it
If it's on my mind, I might jot it
Some may not agree with my topics
I'd rather give you the dirt, Why wash it?
I'd rather be punched with the truth, than Hugged with a lie
Kicked while I was down, forced to look at the sky
Wondering if my biological sperm donor would come down and hug me
As a kid begging him to put the drink down and love me
He wasn't there when he was alive, why did I expect him to save me after death?
I was a teen with suicidal thoughts, hoping there's no more chapters left
Hated the whole world from a young age
Trying to avoid the bullies, so I'd avoid school on some days
27 foster families by age 11 I just couldn't settle
Being dragged through hell, going to war with depression and fighting the devil
My best friends become blades
I got addicted to self-harm
Going to school in long sleeved jumpers to hide my arms
Feeling worthless, self-esteem low, but I had a high IQ
Saying a lot in very few words at school, like I was speaking a haiku
Smiling and telling jokes to hide my depression
Hiding behind humour to cope
Scribbling my favourite rap lyrics during my school lessons
Unwilling to show anyone, any of the rhymes I wrote
Hood up all day, I didn't wish to show my face
Felt like a stranger, everywhere I went, felt like I didn't deserve to know the place
"Let's just get through it" was my motto to get through days
Girls seemed to have a thing for my damaged ways
As soon as i got one, I got another & I couldn't stop
Age 13 my virginity was lost
I wish I could go back and wait for a girl I cared about
Having meaningless sex, yet a hug was something I wouldn't give out
Parents never gave me a hug, so I hated that form of affection
Stuck in the storm with depression
Idolising Eminem, Couldn't go a sentence without saying his name
Sitting by the window in the children's home, But my parents never came
Had contact six times a year, if they turned up
Wondering how I earn love?
when I say I'm putting blood on my pen, please don't take it literally
I'm saying that I'm going to kill all the sadness and pain in my history
Boys overcome their struggles & grow from their mistakes to become men
That's why I've got tears on my pad and blood on my pen
Copyright © Alex Duffy | Year Posted 2017
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