Bad Habbit

Pinioned to my world of ambivalence. I cry, I sob, It will not let go. In me it rises like the sun. I stare still. Like a burden I barge of its weight. The bidding always whispers, Don`t let go, Let go, And I shall not let go. I do it at ease but regret with grim pain . Vent the feeling but the worry shall blossom. My mind shall burn. My heart will ache. Tears will trickle, But with a smile. Sit on the king’s throne, Wearing a crown of thorns. The world of regrets will always shelter me. Like a dodger tricks my weak heart. Like wind, blows away my wishes for the good . Forever it is the prison of my good heart. With vigour in my heart I pursue it. But with a weak despondent heart, I am bound to regrets. The will is not in me, but the compulsion whispers in my world always . What matters won`t matter until I have done it. What doesn`t matter matters after I have done it. The will of my heart, Never compromise with the will of my flesh, It seems unbridgeable. When I say no I go weak and lonely . When I say yes I sink in pain . Maybe agree. Maybe disagree. Bitter - sweet never sweet. I own the keys to these fetters, But I shall unlock them. Bound to it I shall not let go. Who then shall set me free? I desire it! I despise it! Living in these two worlds. What I truly want is not what I do . What I do is what I don`t want to do . I know no understanding of what I do. The motives and the emotions of mine, Shall never agree. This friend I love to hate, Hate that I love. You are my comrade to my ending, but my enemy at my ending . My heart knows, but still I hate to hate you. Nestling on my soft spot, Drives my emotions and reactions, to the land of worry. But still I bow down to your decoy . Understanding nothing of mine. Who am I? Where to? Maybe it is a weakness in me. For long I shall run away from my shadow , Being a stranger in my own life.