Bad Habbit
Pinioned to my world of ambivalence.
I cry,
I sob,
It will not let go.
In me it rises like the sun.
I stare still.
Like a burden I barge of its weight.
The bidding always whispers,
Don`t let go,
Let go,
And I shall not let go.
I do it at ease but regret with grim pain .
Vent the feeling but the worry shall blossom.
My mind shall burn.
My heart will ache.
Tears will trickle,
But with a smile.
Sit on the king’s throne,
Wearing a crown of thorns.
The world of regrets will always shelter me.
Like a dodger tricks my weak heart.
Like wind,
blows away my wishes for the good .
Forever it is the prison of my good heart.
With vigour in my heart I pursue it.
But with a weak despondent heart,
I am bound to regrets.
The will is not in me,
but the compulsion whispers in my world always .
What matters won`t matter until I have done it.
What doesn`t matter matters after I have done it.
The will of my heart,
Never compromise with the will of my flesh,
It seems unbridgeable.
When I say no I go weak and lonely .
When I say yes I sink in pain .
Maybe agree.
Maybe disagree.
Bitter - sweet never sweet.
I own the keys to these fetters,
But I shall unlock them.
Bound to it I shall not let go.
Who then shall set me free?
I desire it!
I despise it!
Living in these two worlds.
What I truly want is not what I do .
What I do is what I don`t want to do .
I know no understanding of what I do.
The motives and the emotions of mine,
Shall never agree.
This friend I love to hate,
Hate that I love.
You are my comrade to my ending,
but my enemy at my ending .
My heart knows,
but still I hate to hate you.
Nestling on my soft spot,
Drives my emotions and reactions,
to the land of worry.
But still I bow down to your decoy .
Understanding nothing of mine.
Who am I?
Where to?
Maybe it is a weakness in me.
For long I shall run away from my shadow ,
Being a stranger in my own life.
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