At War

Today, you look at me with The same green eyes you've always looked At me with. They are the same, beautiful green I've always known; Green like emeralds, Green like jealousy. Green like a summer meadow, Green like hope before it grieves. We are the same as we've always been, Yet something has changed, Morphed in my mind. For my heart swells with the love I feel for you, My heart knows the love you have for me. But my brain, my brain does not know what love is. My brain doesn't know what it feels like to be cared for, After so many years of abuse and neglect. It tries to tell me that the words you speak Are nothing but lies. It tries to tell me that someone like you, Beautiful, intoxicating, perfect, Could never love someone like me, Foolish, destructive, worthless. I am constantly and forever at war with myself. I am at war with the idea of you, Wanting me forever, Against you, Leaving me the way everyone else does. I am at war with the way I feel About myself: I am damaged, but I am honorable. I am undesirable… no, I am beautiful. I love myself. I hate myself. How can I feel so contradicted About feelings for myself? There is only one thing I am sure of: I am in love with you. I am so hopelessly, painfully, helplessly in love with you. I have never been at war with the idea of Loving you. I love you because you are everything I will never be. You are admirable, charming, and apt. Above all, I love you because You love me When I can't even love myself. I wish I could love myself the way I love you. Sometimes, I do love myself. I love myself when I am happy, When I am determined, confident, and smart. Mostly, however, I hate myself. I hate myself because I am everything I never wanted to be. I am depressed, repulsive, and useless. Above all, I hate myself because I know what it feels like to love someone The way I love you, But I can't believe that anybody Could ever truly be in love with me.