Arlington heights and Me
We'd tore into the city traveling over twenty two towns
stopping briefly at the Chicago health department so
the children and I could received immunizations and Wic
coupons women infants and children waiting for the
state department to release funds for the train fare
on Ashland Ave I was very stressed today the ongoing
agony of being with child caring for my four other children
today was the day my under cover work would advance
to a greater level I suppose as special agent Heimbach
who sang my girl to the children while I went into hostage
situations his partner special agent Paul brand was a nice
female agent she actually connected the wires around
my unborn baby whose heart beat I hadn't heard in quite
sometime panic attacks shifted my thinking anxiety attacks
arouse I remember stopping at the Golden nuggets restaurant
on Fullerton they served one chicken wing dressed up to look
like four dressed in three celery sticks one of my daughters
asked was I going to eat for the baby god only knows there
was only one wing for the four of them to share I watched
the children simply devour them as I nearly passed out pregnant
living in the salvation army on lakeshore drive in Chicago
I got up to throw the plates away when my stomach growled
suddenly I realized I hadn't eaten I worried rather my fetus
was still alive in there I took two of the chicken bones and actually
ate them it was then I felt the fetus nudge amazing survival
of wearing wires pregnant for the FBI almost like being in Kuwait
or Afghanistan wires around my fetus going deep into hostage
situations you swallow fear panic and anxiety this is a job
you have to get done to save lives why it took years to finally
fall apart coping with post traumatic stress disorder anxiety
panic poetry it the only thing that truly soothes your senses
calms the wrath inside your head while your hands are sweating
you are panting for air the room swallows you no more air
in this place your anxiety keeps you from leaving your home
to face crowded places crowded situations you master alone
even though all the crisis signs read you are not alone journaling
constantly an yet I'm still here hearing my fetus heart beat
over all sounds including fire trucks realizing it's hard to believe
that you have a wire tap under your sleeve you crawl you stand
you walk you grow you know you go and survive Liberty drive
this is my America this is my freedom this is my time for closure
healing and peace where my writing poetry shall never cease
Copyright © Yolanda Nicholsen | Year Posted 2023
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