An Anxiously Anticipated Event

Dear John, All day yesterday I loaded up with a cascading river of mixed anxiety and anticipation about what to safely and kindly, transparently and vulnerably compassionately, so non-violently, share, what to communicate; Which narrative tributaries to choose within this vast spacetime stream of choices directions felt depressions and erections. Do you remember communication theory framed as Rhetorical Events? Our initial walk and talk, eating together, rather than my refrigerator foraging brunchtime usual rawfood practice, is a graced green, rain giving way to blue, memory for me, and, I hope, for we these sacred walking secular talking people. Successful rhetorical events, as I recall, and have co-passionately experienced with ecstatic thrills and mysterious chills of anticipation, wanting more and more cascading throughout my too isolated life, Are cooperatively held spaces resonant and verbal and non-verbal places longing to become resilient as ultra-violet light in phosphorescent mystical night, bright and warm without ballistic fright, inviting sounds of sight. So I drove home basking in such rich potentially resilient transparent and vulnerable articulate yet impassioned felt experience confirming all my own ego's grand theories about these lovely win/win non-violent Rhetorical compassioning Events. My anxieties spoke later about mutual physical natural, yet also spiritual, attraction-- this smell and taste neurological chemistry of touch exhaling to co-empathically predict our romantically felt quality inhaling integrity's great resilient passions, shared loves communal, deeply green cooperative, that rhetorical day as true and beautiful and healthy wealthy for us. It has been thirty years since my last first date, with a man who became my unanticipated husband, partner spouse lover quarreler critic listener emotive voice co-investor political ally communicator miscommunicator long-term rhetorical event cooperative space-holder, mediator not really quite green enough for resonant felt and thought co-passionate experience near our end of green/black lives cohabitation. Nearly half my lifetime, thirty years, and I feel anxious I have not yet learned appropriate new old white person rules of transparency and vulnerability to be clear and kind, compassionately clear about my natural/spiritual physical/metaphysical attractions, anticipations, anxieties. When I last dated a gay encounter of the first kind either ended nakedly together or with a scheduled second date with a bed or a sling or a deserted moonlit beach front and center on our anticipated menu Or ended in disaster, no connection, no further warm and resonant communication, no passing green light Go! I did not "date" men who lived so very far away, out of state, unless one of us was planning to relocate or both of us were anticipating an extremely resonant one hot night stand lying down together, exploring all the vertical and horizontal dances we could imagine ever wishing we had done to further gather future's warm anticipations. I am anxious because I do not want to disappoint you or me about our embodied non-verbal communication and passion together. My own nakedness lies nowhere near my vulnerable and transparent self-esteem as was the case when I last dated and I do not know what to do and not do with that. I have no mentors, no wise teachers, no therapeutic facilitators, no sex therapist to talk and touch me through this selected elected win/lose anxiety. But, I do anticipate an unfortunate comparison I met on our silvered dating site the same day I first heard you connect climate pathological effects with capitalistic causes, which immediately won my curiosity to know just how deeply knowing we might go together, and not apart. I met another singer another meditator another deeply mediating physically connected to Taoist sensory communication yangly verbal and yintegrity non-verbal, More physically incarnated and less metaphysically abstract less theoretical merely rhetorical more mature connected like aged wine with cheese re-connecting beyond my own experience with how to mutually yet maturely please. Last evening we talked. His voice sings and rings, warmly chills and quietly thrills. And, he is closer. Teaches dance. We anticipate learning together how to tango horizontally without creating an entangled mess at our ripe old average age of 69 Which, when I last dated was a cooperatively rhetorical erotic position and not an age which we sensually anticipated with great anxiety about sustainable resilience of sensual resonance. For me, this need not be a win or lose, either-or situation. Even less so if I thought the two of you would appreciate each other in this partner searching lifeline rivered shivered way, but that is not what I would anticipate either of you would say. So, that is what is on my mind and heart and root chakras this another deep green ego-recentering and ecosystemic rhetorical day. Said my vertical horizontal way, physical and metaphysical natural and spiritual secular and sacred love with you and hell to pay, anxiously anticipating your kind non-maligned response in your own rhetorical way.