About To Hit Midnight

it's about to hit midnight. I'm in the bath crying. I'm crying not because the cuts I just made sting like mad as I hit the water, but because I feel disgusting and angry and sad all in one. I had a horrible nightmare last night about Jack and what he did. I woke up knowing it was a dream but can still feel him inside me. I have been throwing up today because of how he makes me feel. As the evening has come closer I have been feeling worse. I decided to have a bath and cut myself as a way to unwind and pass time until I feel tired. As I ran my bath, I cut 1 line. but it didn't feel good, all I could think of was how disgusting my body was and that Jack had been all over it (and inside it). I saw my upper thighs that he once pressed against, and decided to cut his name into myself. Then I did his initials and his name again a few times. I cut over the scar of his name that was already there as well as cutting new ones. I straight away got into the water to feel it sting I wanted to feel it sting as a way to punish myself and feel pain, because cutting never did hurt. Now I'm still sat here crying and typing dreading getting into my bed.