A Mother's Hurt

I have fought for years to be the best mother possible to them. Yet i find myself failing them every now and then. I cant say I'm perfect because really nobody is. Its just that to them i want to be the best there is. I kept up with the failure of a relationship for my family. I cried myself to sleep but it counts when they saw happily. I'm slipping into failure and no longer their idol. I cant get it right even if there was recital. So sometimes i drink just to feel numb. Its not permanent so in the end i felt dumb. I been told over and over how bad of a mom i am. yet if i go those same people wont help them out of a jam. Its really sad that i feel it all at once tonight. the pain the same cycle but it wont go out of sight. I'm reminded each day that maybe they were better off. even if he hurt me to them he was soft. Was i really selfish for leaving him because i was unhappy? Because now when i think of it not every marriage is sappy. So maybe if i would of stayed they would have what they need. They wouldn't have to miss out on anything because of my greed. So maybe ill fight more and harder for a couple more years. Just so that its not them shedding these tears.