A Heroes Journal
returning home was quite different
than i'd imagined i mean i expected
the waving flags the gentle smiles
warm handshakes familiar family
friends totally unaware
just how much of a stranger
i was to myself we shared
good foods good cheer
wines for good health
an yet i was begining to fade
into a hidden bunker within myself
sadness emerged i soon drifted
apologizing for laughing
at sensitive matters
or crying at the most hilarious jokes
secretly i thought of medic red cross
these notions were exchanged
with long lines insensitive
health care laws i found myself
face to face in a mirror of pure dread
my skull oddly shaped
speech was now slurred
double vision and vertigo
odd feelings of standing
on a high ledge even if
i was safely planted
on a sidewalk curve
my feet stumbled
i felt inadequate
why i'd forgotten
how to tie my own shoes
this stranger looking back at me
returned home as i emerged
a silent press conferences
with myself beckoning
my attention to focus
on traumatic events to feed
this unneeded energy
i wasn't willing to explore
i'd heard the whispering
sudden gestures calm distractions
saying honey you are home now
an yet i was this stranger
with unexpressed emotions
i suppose a gallery of feelings
a canvas to be displayed
in this place called home
full of calmness warm breezes
pink lemonade an yet
planes flew over my head
mental emotional bombs went off
as i searched through the rubble
of my mind for comfort
familiar ground solidarity
i soon became numb
within a diary expressing joy
painful sorrowful memories
i gently craved a place this place
they called home a place i couldn't foresee
or wrap my consciousness around it
i'd dreamed of it i watched the faces
experience this place the proud eyes
admiring my dog tags my boots my passport
uttering the words you are a hero
our hero is home an yet
i never met their hero not once
not during sadness not during bouts of fear
not during uneasy moments
when faced with someone
who loves me so much
an yet they never met me
the stranger they didn't know
i'd left their hero behind cowardly
i couldn't face this heroes journey
i'd tucked it away behind depression
anxiety and fear unwilling to relive
or remember without panting
hearing unwanted heart beats
unwanted conversations
fight or flight momentum
while silent voices repeated
come back home honey come home
totally unaware that i was
this stranger in a heroes house
Copyright © Yolanda Nicholsen | Year Posted 2013
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