A Good Day to Die

(A little slice of paradise, 2021) A Good Day to Die Every time I go climbing I think, “This could be the day I die.” I also think this when driving in really bad conditions or when flying on a plane, but I go climbing a lot more often… I think about slipping off the top of the cliff, having the rope break, or my anchor fail. Those are all the things I can have some control of, but a few years ago I almost got bitten by a baby rattler as I stood unroped on a small ledge 100’ off the deck. Last fall I was shot at by a crazy local sniper. Last week I had a golf ball sized rock whizz past my head from high up above just moments after I’d taken my helmet off. Today I thought I could have a heart attack humping my 45 lb. load up the steep approach trail. I think of that one because I have a climbing buddy who had a good friend die of a massive heart attack while hiking up steep hills scouting for new cliffs to climb. Just before he died he’d sat on a rock enjoying the view and expressed that feeling of deepest contentment, “You know, today would be a good day to die.” Sometimes I think this too, usually when I’m out alone working on a new route, flush with endorphins and the beauty of this planet. I don’t want to die, but I’ve come to accept the idea, the idea of it being an ever present consequence of living, or so I tell myself. I’ve been close enough a few times to know it isn’t anything to fear, yet fear I do. And I know this fear isn’t a bad thing, it can lead to caution and prudence which can lead to survival and longevity, and longevity can lead to the opportunity to grow wise, and I want to grow wise. But I also know that facing your fears isn’t easy and doesn’t mean they just go away. It sometimes means they just grow bigger. I don’t mean the little fear of nagging worries, but the big fear, the existential terror of our extinction that resides right up next to our core, and when faced is revealed to have layers, layer upon layers. And when the terror grows it doesn’t necessarily lead to strength, that is something we have to bring to it, something we sometimes have to dig deep to find. I guess that’s called courage. So we evolve, face our fear and develop our courage, steadily if not inevitably, or is that inevitably if not steadily? And meanwhile have good days when none of that matters, when we say it’s a good day to die, and simply mean it just doesn’t get any better than this. (March, 2016)