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(A little slice of paradise, 2021)

A Good Day to Die

Every time I go climbing I think, “This could be the day I die.”
I also think this when driving in really bad conditions
or when flying on a plane, but I go climbing a lot more often…
I think about slipping off the top of the cliff,
having the rope break, or my anchor fail.
Those are all the things I can have some control of, but
a few years ago I almost got bitten by a baby rattler 
as I stood unroped on a small ledge 100’ off the deck.
Last fall I was shot at by a crazy local sniper.
Last week I had a golf ball sized rock whizz past my head
from high up above just moments after I’d taken my helmet off.

Today I thought I could have a heart attack 
humping my 45 lb. load up the steep approach trail.
I think of that one because I have a climbing buddy 
who had a good friend die 
of a massive heart attack while hiking up steep hills
scouting for new cliffs to climb.
Just before he died he’d sat on a rock enjoying the view
and expressed that feeling of deepest contentment,
“You know, today would be a good day to die.”
Sometimes I think this too, usually when I’m out alone 
working on a new route, flush with endorphins 
and the beauty of this planet.

I don’t want to die, but I’ve come to accept the idea, 
the idea of it being an ever present consequence of living,
or so I tell myself.
I’ve been close enough a few times to know 
it isn’t anything to fear,
yet fear I do.
And I know this fear isn’t a bad thing, 
it can lead to caution and prudence 
which can lead to survival and longevity,
and longevity can lead to the opportunity to grow wise,
and I want to grow wise.
But I also know that facing your fears isn’t easy
and doesn’t mean they just go away. 
It sometimes means they just grow bigger. 
I don’t mean the little fear of nagging worries, 
but the big fear, the existential terror of our extinction
that resides right up next to our core,
and when faced is revealed to have layers, layer upon layers.
And when the terror grows 
it doesn’t necessarily lead to strength,
that is something we have to bring to it,
something we sometimes have to dig deep to find.
I guess that’s called courage.

So we evolve, face our fear and develop our courage, 
steadily if not inevitably,
or is that inevitably if not steadily?
And meanwhile have good days when none of that matters,
when we say it’s a good day to die,
and simply mean it just doesn’t get any better than this.

(March, 2016)
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