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A Dylan Thomas State of Mind

A Dylan Thomas State of Mind

It’s precisely 2:45am...the time when
~ if I’ve fallen asleep ~
I always awake to find
Myself drenched in sweat.

I lie here beside my beloved
~ as I have so steadfastly since
16 November 2016 ~
Thinking about...wondering...pondering
The end of my existence.

I am not talking about
Taking my own life.
          NO!
I’ve seen, heard, touched, tasted, smelt
          too much...
I’ve survived too much, felt too much...
I value Howard’s sweet...sweet...
Nurturing soul’s devotion 
To keeping me alive these past 40 years
To raise my hand against myself...now.

I AM talking about these things:
     Where do we go when we die?
     Do I have a soul?
     Will I be conscious — at the moment it happens —
     That I am drawing my very last breath?

Sometimes, when I awake in the early morn,
Howard is motionless beside me
And I stare at his beautiful face.
Dare I reach out and touch it with one finger?
What if it’s stone cold?
His flesh heavy...dead?

Death.
The End of Living.
The End...The End...The End...

Last January I begged for surcease...
For an end to the pain...
An end to the physical torture...
An end to the psychic suffering...
The constant thoughts of:
        “Is there a Hell?”
        “Will I go there if I take my own life?”
        “What does ‘eternity’ mean?”

Now this morning of 19 October 2017
I am thinking...feeling...praying:

         Please...Please...Please...

         God/Goddess/All That Is/The Universe/The Spirit
         Make my neglected hated scorned body
         Healthy and whole.
         So I may live
              today...
                  tomorrow... 
                      next month...
              next year...

Do not let me go gentle into that good night.
I am alive now...
And I rage...
                   I RAGE NOW!
                                       ....against the dying of the light.
       

Barbara Dickenson 
19 October 2017

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Fernando Vergara Date: 5/26/2025 9:56:00 AM i was under a controlled substance when i would wake up drenched in sweat. nice poem... Login to Reply

Luciana Fisher Date: 10/2/2024 3:37:00 AM Beautiful Barbara! So open, raw, vulnerable. Brilliant!! It is as if you wrote about my life! Here I am, struggling with the cancer. Unable to sleep, waking up drenched, the 40 years, 2016! The suffering!!! Even Howard’s name and my biggest fear, you got it right. Are you sure you didn’t write about my life? It seems we are one and the same! Login to Reply

Connie Casey Date: 8/21/2022 7:27:00 AM Start working from home! Great work for-Ever, Stay at Home Moms OR anyone needs an extra income. Get started. You only need a computer and a reliable computer connection so don’t get late try…… Worksful.com Login to Reply

Virginia Gelok Date: 5/24/2021 8:00:00 AM Oh my...the suffering...I cannot say as I could be so brave. If all else fails we usually must to to our beliefs. It often comforts us in our deepest , most needy times. Our Greater Power can get us thru so very much. Take care. Your poem said so very much to me and I feel your pain within my heart. Login to Reply

Barbara Barry-Nishanian Date: 1/23/2018 12:23:00 AM I commented on 29th, don't think I had read this yet. You are very brave to desire the answer to you questions and want more than your faith to sustain you. Thank you for using the word...excellent in regard to my poem...coming from a writer like you is so encouraging... Thank you.. Let's struggle together through 2018 with our bodies...be they what they are! bbn Login to Reply

James Edward Lee Sr. Date: 1/17/2018 12:00:00 PM Barbara, Stop by again to re-read this wonderful poem.. :) James Login to Reply

Carole Duet Date: 1/8/2018 2:02:00 PM A very powerful piece, Barbara, with questions all us humans ask ourselves from time to time. Just don't worry so much about it. Have faith and pray for faith. Peace to you dear and welcome to the soup....Carole Duet Login to Reply

Oliver Mckeithan Date: 1/1/2018 7:02:00 AM Hello Barbara, Really like this poem. The tie in with Thomas and the questioning by the mind/spirit is very well done. Oliver Login to Reply

Barbara Barry-Nishanian Date: 12/29/2017 2:35:00 PM I agree with thoughts of Rainbow Promise. You bible has the answers when read by TOPIC of your concern, plus cross references and concordance. I'd like to invite you see me on Joycines at facebook,or joycines@gmail. I don't know what soup mail is, too new here. Our hearts are connected. Thanks for your comments! Login to Reply

Laura Hay Date: 12/27/2017 3:14:00 AM Excellent Barbara. I love the honesty and the passion that flows through this piece. Questions many ask and you portray them so succinctly. I look forward to reading future poems by you here on PS. Warm regards, Laura Login to Reply Barbara Dickenson Date: 12/29/2017 1:45:00 AM Hi, Laura ~ Took a quick peek at your page & am overwhelmed by both your output and your taking the time to drop a newcomer such a supportive comment. I look forward to when I can give your poetry the time it deserves for my serious contemplation. Warm regards ~ BD

Daniel Schack Date: 12/24/2017 7:00:00 AM nice one ms. barbara d. see mine on the soup for poems of daniel schack. u may comment if u can. happy new years. daniel schack Login to Reply

Jonashea Cunningham Date: 12/21/2017 4:36:00 AM I know the poem is beautiful by the way. So I ever read that poem before. So I love that poem is a Dylan Thomas state of mind poem. Login to Reply

Frances Schiavina Date: 12/20/2017 12:03:00 PM Powerfully emotional, keep writing and drop me a comment on my poetry. Login to Reply

Aju Mukhopadhyay Date: 12/20/2017 10:52:00 AM I have just read Barbara Dickens. The poet is anguished; the poem carries all emotional, sometimes frustrated and anguished heart of the young poet. Her poems are promising. Login to Reply

Matthew Anish Date: 12/19/2017 7:36:00 PM Powerful words here and a nice tribute to Mr. Thomas! Peace & Love Matthew Anish Login to Reply

Sherry Beck Date: 12/19/2017 6:14:00 PM Emotionally written..Captivating! Login to Reply

Reginald Telemacque Date: 12/19/2017 5:22:00 PM I like your style of writing.. It's different.. Makes me feel like.... I was Howard for a moment.. Login to Reply

James Inman Date: 12/19/2017 4:09:00 PM A meaning filled write Barbara. Deep unanswerable questions. Login to Reply

Nagella Jean-Baptiste Date: 12/19/2017 3:21:00 PM I just read your poems. From just receiving it. It was very heart felt and left me numb and speechless. No one's knows the truth about a lot of things.its always best not to think to deep about those things.it create nothing but depression and sadness.Trust;-)(^^) me you will feel a lot of burden of your shoulder after. Those thoughts creates nothing but unhappiness. Login to Reply

Chuck Melugin Date: 12/19/2017 2:52:00 PM Barbara. I am praying for your recovery. If you get time please read John. 3. 16. You are a talented writer. Have comfort in Christmas. Login to Reply

Tracy Storrier Date: 12/19/2017 2:26:00 PM very powerful, many thanks for sharing :) x Login to Reply

Anonim Anonim Date: 12/19/2017 1:23:00 PM yes there is life after i seen Jesus when i was unwell in my vision so i cannot not believe:) anymore:) even if i wanted to chose not to believe ,. there is everlasting painless life after . i encourage u and all who reading it to reading the bible start with at list one of gospels like i did . :) there is choice to choose him or not did he gave you enough faith to believe in Him i dont know . u will know after u finish gospel . Login to Reply

Paul Callus Date: 12/19/2017 12:52:00 PM You bare your soul with expressive honesty and courage, Barbara. Dylan Thomas' premature death, or his poem 'Don't go gentle into the good night' seem to have inspired your thoughts. May you enjoy a long and fruitful life! Regards // paul Login to Reply

Anisha Dutta Date: 12/19/2017 12:31:00 PM Barbara, I am touched. I also feel same and go through same emotion. it seemed reflection of my mind. Think and think and know yourself. Love Login to Reply Barbara Dickenson Date: 12/29/2017 2:00:00 AM Thank you, Anisha (lovely name). So very glad to know I’m not alone. Went to your page though to read your poems. What to read first? Chose ”Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary” — made me so happy! Thanks for a great laugh as well as great recognition! Happy 2018! ~ BD

Alexander Blackie Date: 12/19/2017 12:26:00 PM A very powerful piece of writing which expresses Login to Reply Alexander Blackie Date: 12/19/2017 12:31:00 PM A very powerful piece of writing which expresses many of the great unanswered questions when in pain and facing death. You are a very brave person and entitled to rage.

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