A convo to myself

I don't even know myself that well that I cannot understand my actions. I had a lot of tension with a boy because he did things that were just not okay. I asked him about it, and he blocked me, which made me sad because I had a crush on him and wanted to settle things. I apologized first, and he accepted it but still didn't talk for two years. I don't know how it came from that. He made me cry because he made my self-esteem hit the bottom and shrank every talent I have. He always said things like, "that's too much," and you hear him saying it, and it plays in your mind. Even though this happened two years ago, I still feel sick. You can't do much better without him, right? I was shocked when I heard him talking with buddies, and when I saw him being funny, I lost it by myself and laughhed along for a minute. He does jokes that are kind of funny, but for the first time, I was shocked that I even closed my mouth in a hidden gesture. He’s still the same person, and I lost it—there's no magic feeling anymore. I wanted to give something to someone I guess was a friend. We live in the same state, and I won’t leave because why would I depend on him, and he doesn't understand why he should depend on me? I was confused, and then I stepped into him, and he said, “Didn’t he want to ignore you? What are you doing?” ,,has he tried?'' ,,when I now think about it yes. But because he did much more or the average for *her*, I kinda thought that it was something normal and his I guess Reflex. And I don't think I am that wrong. But I am also not that right."