'911'

I flood my pillows with tears. I cry myself to sleep. Everyday I continue to wake up, My soul grows a little more weak. I understand that I am not perfect. I punish myself when I am wrong. But are my imperfections the cause of why, I'm existing in this world alone.? My heart is that of porcelain. I create the illusion of it being made of steel. I try to pretend that I am emotionless, Because if I came to believe that, what pain could I feel.? Every day I wish to be understood. Or atleast have a voice that could be heard. Every night I wish to gain my wings, And fly away with the fragile white birds. My mistakes are of the unordinary. My faults could never be forgiven. When you're living a life, being THE hell on Earth... What's the point of even living.? I'm that avalanche on the mountains. I set fire to the rain. I destroy the flawless paintings of your life, Without you even knowing my name. I'm the devils advocate. His child against my own will. In my heart, I want to create your smile. But your happiness is what I'm designed to kill. I try. I try my hardest to be great. I live with God in my heart. But if I'm told that I am evil... Worthless... The smallest element of being holy... Who do I believe.? Where would I start.? I'm confused with my existence. I strive for a brighter future. But when there's darkness lurking inside of me, My spirit becomes in need of sutures. I cut. I bleed. I want to feel the pain escape from inside of me. It's a mental process. In the end I'm only left with scars. The pain has not escaped. It's trapped in my heart, behind the bars. I'm stuck, held captive in this jail. It's my mindset, I call it home. I want to feel alive... Be happy.! Carefree. But the way to live free, is to free these thoughts from my dome. I beg for your forgiveness. Let me love you. Make you smile. Be everything that you need. (Silent Pause...) Jerrika, how can you love someone else, when you don't even love me.?! I wish I understood how to love you, Jerrika... But you're to complex to comprehend. Messed up that the being inside of you, Doesn't even recognize you as a true friend. So what do I do.? I've strayed away. Help me, Lord.! I've been astray for quite some time. If you asked me, there's no good left inside of me. Why.? Because I lost it all when I lost my mind. 9/11 Terrorist Attack Against Myself. Someone please call 9-1-(Voice fades out...)