4th Step Poem
I'm thankful for the stepping stones
That lead me to solid ground.
I’m not ashamed
To go from a life of insanity
To a mind that is sound.
But, I will say
Trial and error
At first
Is mostly what I found.
I discovered that pain
Can and does run deep.
It’s through my dreams
That my trauma weeps
Every sunrise
To every sunset
I struggle to put my anger to rest.
I struggle to defeat
being overwhelmed.
Yet, here I stand
Holding onto hot coals
With all my might,
It’s never my goal to start a fight.
What happens
Will happen,
But how I react
Tells the story
Of how hard my spirits have been broke.
Sometimes my past deafens me
And I feel so pissed that I can feel it in my bones.
Moments like that
Are what knock me off my throne.
I still need work,
There’s a process to progress
And it’s not found in a shot,
A pill
Or at the bottom of a bottle.
Forgive me for my honesty,
For a higher power resides me.
He is God,
He broke the chains that surrounded me
And showed me that the struggle wasn’t my story’s end.
Searching for higher ground,
In the depths of addiction
Even I had ambiguity.
I fought my demons
I battled drugs,
I climbed up from the trenches
I thought,
“I’ve finally won!”
Sobriety is not easy,
There are times I’ve faltered,
Others when I failed.
That’s why progress is a process,
You must be prepared to lose some battles
When you’re fighting a war.
I spent so long at war with myself,
I didn’t love nor respect myself,
I hid in shame,
Isolated myself.
So used to meth
Numbing my emotions
I wasn’t living,
I was surviving
And now if you look at me
You can see that I’m absolutely thriving.
You see,
I learned that rock bottom has a basement,
That basement has a door that leads
Straight to personalized purgatory.
I ran away from who would have carried me
Straight into the arms of an army of demons
At the time it felt warm and welcoming.
I experienced trauma,
I put myself at risk.
I stopped ,
I started,
Hit the pause button on life,
So I could hear relapse on repeat,
I spiralled the drain.
I almost gave up,
I was spiritually broke,
Insanity drove me to a higher power that would have mercy on me.
I was exhausted,
Traumatized,
I wasn’t even able to get high.
There has to be another way.
Then one day it finally hit me,
Enough was enough,
And I was done,
Ready to admit
I was wrong,
Ready to give something stronger than myself a chance.
Even a slim one.
It worked,
Slowly,
With many bumps in the road
I regained sobriety.
I respect myself,
I forgive myself,
I'm free.
Copyright © Nikki Pruitt | Year Posted 2021
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