1970 Redux

LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL As I was finishing my senior year in high school I knew I wanted out. I wasn’t going to college. No desire or grades. I was 18 after all, almost 19 Everyone asked, “what do you want to do with your life?” I had no idea. Not a clue. But I did know. I wanted change. LIFE AND FUTURE CHANGING Fissure’s began to appear and no one noticed. Little cracks, Life changing moments occurring at home and on the periphery. As the future was forming far out over the horizon, a tsunami was building. Though it was in front of us, no one saw it coming THE DRAFT, LOTTERY AND CHOICES The lottery was drawn during the summer. My number was low and no doubt I’d be drafted and go to Vietnam. But I had options. I thought about taking my chances. Maybe I could beat the draft. I could go into the reserves. Just sign and stay stateside. A 6-year commitment and a crew cut. At home. STAYING HOME OR GETTING OUT No, somewhere inside buried not too deep, I wanted out. I wanted change. In September, I committed to the Navy. I’d go in at the beginning of the next year. My father asked if that was my best idea. It was the only solution. It was my solution. Stuff was starting to happen. Little cracks Not just in the world but close to home. To people I knew or knew of. My Friends. Friends of the family. Friends of friends. My family. WHO KNEW OR CARED ABOUT THE WAR If you didn’t know someone in the war or watch the evening news, you wouldn’t know what was happening. A friend got out of the Army mostly intact. He would dive under a table at the sound of a siren. Another came home on leave and couldn’t wait to get back and kill some more. A couple of buddies didn’t come home. TRAGEDY AT HOME A friend’s little brother almost drowned fishing at a lake. Maybe he should have. He was under 20 minutes. He ended up a quadriplegic The family blamed God and the little brother for screwing up their lives. MY SISTER My younger sister was going into high school in September. The youngest and only girl. Rightfully so, her life was different than mine and my older brothers. She was insulated and protected. MY BROTHERS, AT HOME More cracks. My brothers moved out. My father decided it was time. The oldest was holding down a job. The other was going to Jr. collage. My father helped pay for their stuff, but they were on their own. He would ask again, why don’t I take my chances. Or join the reserves. I could go to school or get a job. I could be like my brothers, home. THE LAST DAYS New Years came and we celebrated. I don’t know if I celebrated what had been or what was or, what was to be. I laid in bed that night, thinking about what might be ahead, not what I’d leave behind. I wasn’t looking forward so much as I wasn’t looking back. As the year ended, I was 20 days from leaving home for the first and last time. I was 20 days from leaving the house I grew up in. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I was never coming back to the innocence. I was never coming back to my family. Looking up at the ceiling, I noticed a few small cracks. POSTMORTEM During the four years I was in the Navy I got married and had a son. I spent more time overseas than at home. As life began, so life ended. My father died A brother died A cousin died. My grandfather died. My mother moved, left all my stuff with my oldest brother. She declared we would be friends more than mother and child. My wife shacked up with some guy the last year I was overseas. She told me “at least he was here. I needed someone.” I got out and into the eye of the storm. Whatever plans I might have had, washed away. The Tsunami had landed. No more cracks - I got change.