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Poem
My Mind Heart and Soul 


I seem to laugh yet never entertained
My smile shine bright but my joy is detained 
Cold and sore my heart slowly disintegrates
Falling piece by piece into a dark cage 
A cage where childhood innocence goes to die
And your greatest memories line the filthy ash smudged floors 
All thing i wish i can have back lying there 
Rusting
Mildewing 
Covered by the ashes of my heart
Never to be recovered 
And i can accept that 

This cage is an alternative fact
This is a place where love is abusive and untrustworthy 
Yet it is the only magic I believe in 
It teases me as i try to find it 
Like voodoo it kills me blissfully and silently
This is a place where words are misunderstood
As i speak i hurt others but if i stay quite i feed the darkness controlled by the desperate soul
Overruled by depression pain and anger

Depression 
The frostbit culprit that is trying to freeze the hands of hope on my clock of faith 
Hoping that time will stop and i will become numb to reality 
Forgetting everything as my vision fades darkening as i watch my pain exude me from existence 
Somedays i want to give in 
Wondering if i did who would care 
Would they notice 
I have to remind myself yes they will 
I am important to people 
I will understand when I become more important to myself 
And i can accept that 

Pain 
The echos through the halls of my mind 
The voices change 
They try break me with memories
Echos of children laughter slowly drowned out with tormenting chants of my peers
Graceful voices of my grandparents and playful arguments with cousins
Corrupted by sounds of malicious insults and church bells 
The cries ring out 
They overwhelm me 
I break down as i feel the darkness creeping up
I fall to my knees seeking answers and pleading for forgiveness 
It starts to get quite… not quite enough… i won't stop until i hear the ticking of my clock 

Tick-tock
Tick-tock
Tick-tock
Tick-tock
Even though the thoughts are still dark i know it takes time and patience for the light to shine again
And i can accept that

Anger… Dear misguided anger…
Brainwashed by regrets and unspoken truths 
Feeding off the pieces of my broken heart 
Smoke forming from the hatred and the squandered dreams it feeds off of
Growing more sinister everyday
With every tear
Shedded and held back
It never made a difference
But anger wasn't what it is now 
It just has been it the darkness to long

Anger was once joy 
But now my exuberance is shackled
Held down by undeniable failure and unforgettable torture
The same murderous duo who victimised Euphoria and Pleasure 

Every night this disconnected trio join together in the center of the cage 
They try their hardest to freeze the clock 
Hoping they can dim my heart
For the darkness to grow and sink it in the cage to linger 
Hoping it will become powerless 
But it never works 

Every night hoping the others will break free my heart chants 

I am beautiful 
I am strong 
I thank God that he carries me on
I am brave and i am kind
I know that God will never leave me behind 
So here i sit and here i stay 
Because through the lies and all the pain 
I know god will help me find a way 
That is why he wakes me up everyday 

-Javonda
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