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I listened to his heart profusely, 
For a beat like his was much to ponder
I often wondered, his thoughts, and,
A light in me knew, with wretched wonderment
What the whispers in his mutterings meant to me

They promised no salvation
And they lusted more than I could possibly offer

I refused to see a union as it seemed so clear to be
I would see us as separate rudiments,
Oil and water
From the same creator 
A dissonance and a resonance
Amicable only in his dreams
And fading sternly away from my reality

I listened to his voice, 
I heeded his words
How they sounded with the instruments, 
The lucid tunes and tones, 
Exquisite beating of the wings
Strange rhythms, day and night,
Hearing for the first time
What God would have closed His ears to
Like a world of iniquities presented to him,
From the blood of Christ,
He would turn His face away
With no question and no hesitation

Yes, I listened like a sinner, 
And grew fond like a fallen one
This he knew, and his eyes became like melting swirls
Of worlds unknown, like paths not yet traversed
Calling me by name
His lips ardent for mine and readied
Teeth rinsed with his acute ascertainment 
In all his coldness,
There was only warmth in my heart
Mixed with the dread of certain loss

“Do you?” He began, perceiving my enfeebled state,
“Truly, do you love me so?
Still, in this moment,
With your heart devoted to Christ’s very feet,
With the risk of losing everything you hold honor to,
Past time and history…
Past hatred, war and devastation 
Past Death and his inevitable strumming…
How can you love me, 
Amongst the dead that Hades laughs at,
How can you love me,
Oh strange daughter, spirit, woman,
That I have touched so gently with my wicked hands,
How still does your flame burn?”

His eyes caught mine as I knew they would,
As I kneeled to the ground
Retching emotions immeasurable
He lifted me up with those eyes
With a force unheard of,
A force with a thousand silent cries

“I know the source of your power over me,
From the love that sustains me
And as it manifests into this lustful pyre, 
I wonder now, if you ask for any purpose,
but to crush me down further…”
I bit down on my lips to hide my breathy desire
He stood before me as one who waits for truth
His hand, hot, searing, touching my face 
An inhalation,
Followed by a morbid smile of amusement 

“You strike me more than a mere insect,
You are easily more to me than a toy or a tool
You are an unprecedented magic unscathed,
A craft disentangling, unraveling
Yet you are a thousand breaths unlived,
Breaths that have yet to taste what it means
To be permittable, free, incorruptible! 
Can you love me?
Or can you only love my suffering
Can you only love me when you are sure of my failure?”
His hand tore from me with sudden rage in his jerk,
But his form remained towered over my own
And I stood motionless,
My ears picking up on the frequencies of his fury
My eyes wetting with desirous indignation

“You know I love you!” I spat.
“Death and Hades cringe at such love!
What more must I say, sing, or decree?
What tune, inkling, expression or phrase 
Can sway the likes of the Devil,
Toward a light that is but extraneous to you?
You are her!
That Darkness, Empress, Queen she is, 
She breathes and exhales the same intonations,
The same beats of your plotting heart
She is you, sharing in this love I dare to love, 
You cannot have, nor give!
She will not let you!
I love you alone, 
And you love only her in return!”

His smile faded into monomaniac desire
He craved all that was in me
To surface, 
That he may drink in newfound knowledge
And newfound pain

“And here I am,” I continued in song,
“I listen to you day and night,
Singing your melodies,
Reveling in your dynamic wake
I sleep and see you there,
In my dreams
How can I be here without the beat of your heart
Murmuring sweet nothings into my hopeful ears? 
I love you knowing I will never have you
Like she does
I love you knowing I will see you no more
As she does
I need the truth and I need my God
I need all these things to live
And continue to love
God has given me your songs
That I may sing with you
And understand how we will always contrast
I want nothing more than to be like them,
The wise, and the experienced,
The honored and righteous hearts
With faith unaltered
I lost it all for love,
My human life was but a grain of sand
Flowing into the fitful palm of your hand…
I have loved you for centuries,
In the short human life I lived,
To my dying day from disease
And even in my deathly sleep,
I loved you with every inch of my existence
I have felt you writhe upon my awakening
Tortured and torn…
Your groaning and calling,
I have felt your agony alone
I love you
And I am the only one,
The only one who will say it 
The only one who listened
The only one who questioned
The only one who answered…”

I knew he heeded the words,
I knew his malice was hidden away
Only for this moment his rage still remained
He drew breath with urges immense
As he sung,

“This need, 
Like your need for your Creator, 
Is your burden
Your want is an uncontrollable will
Your want is a freedom I thrive on
My reason for rebellion
You need Him
Yet you love me
In the quiet chaos of your needs
Your want for me
Must be your downfall
And our uprising
Your lips have spoken much pain alone
But have not touched to discover inseparability 
You say I love nothing,
But I want you decidedly,
Like love futilely wants me
She is my idea, my foundation
You are my peak, my victory…”

In the midst of music we hummed harmonies
His rage left his eyes and he swallowed his schemes
In a soft gulp of present longing
His magnetic eyes drew me in closer
I could see every contour, every curvature 
He pressed his lips on mine,
The thumps of his heart intensifying upon me
He felt my love and my purpose lingering on his,
It burned him more than he could possibly burn me
And upon departure of this heated exchange,
He paused to say,
“Yes, yes, it is clear,
In all the world,
In all the universe
You are the only one.” 

1/5-6/2018
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