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I don't know what I am doing. 
For such a long time it was a pain for me to be alone, and when I finally understood what it truly means to enjoy my own company, I go and find a guy who immediately becomes my boyfriend. 
Maybe I was lonely? 
Maybe he felt the same. 
What is a relationship anyway? Merely a social construct which provides us with temporary happiness and a feeling of being secure? 
What happens after the rush takes off and you realize that this other person might be with you for selfish reasons, and you are doing the same? 
I was once told that a relationship will always be based on your own best interest. 
Is this something real or just a way to kill time until something better comes along? 
Yes, I was pleased to learn that we had so many things in common. 
Yes, I felt happy when he referred to me as his girlfriend. 
Yes, it felt amazing to be able to tell my friends that I was happy being with someone new.
Yes, I was excited when he invited me to go on a vacation. 
But I am so scared. 
I'm so scared that this is just yet another attempt to cover those feelings of loneliness that I am oh so familiar with. 
I thought it would be different. 
I thought it would be a brand new start with a brand new me, but I still have those insecurities, maybe even now, more than ever. 
It feels like we have been together forever, and yet it also feels like I just met you.  
Am I deliberately trying to sabotage my own happiness because I don't feel like I deserve it, or do I just enjoy the misery?
Maybe I'm not ready for this. 
Should I be alone or does it really make a difference? 
I fall in love too easily.

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