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You know? I've learned a few tricks! If I grab the left rim and pull backward, and grab the right rim and push forward, I can do a pirouette, just like I could when I could still dance. Isn't that neat? So when you return, we can dance again. Or of course you could lift me in your arms and dance like that. I would like that very much. I wouldn't be heavy in your arms, just light as a feather, especially now I lost all muscle matter below waist. It makes a difference! I would love us dancing together. You holding me close. I would kiss you.

Today it is sunny, I sit here waiting for you.

You said you would be back, you only needed a day for yourself. You never said anything else, just that you needed a day. It is a long day love, but I am not giving up. I can see downhill in the distance and I will wait for you. The sun makes the grass and the road shimmer with an almost trance-like intensity.

Today it is sunny, I sit here waiting for you.

You know? I cannot blame you for being desperate. When we met I was a different person. And even though I cannot help being who I am, I do understand why you sometimes became so angry. When we met, I was that slim, effeminate dancer with the trailing mass of afro curls and the wide smile and the inviting eyes. The whirling chunk of energy that never rested, The incredible, never ending flow of words. I know you fell in love with that former me, not with the cripple.

You said you needed only one day. I am sitting here, on top of the hill, waiting for you.

Today it is raining. I am holding an umbrella, and my body is under a sheet of plastic. Yes, I take good care of myself.
The distance is covered in a pessimistic, melancholic blanket of grey, taking off the sharp edges of despair, and also cutting off the still lingering good memories that used to dance softly in the back of my mind.

You said you needed only one day. I am sitting here, on top of the hill, waiting for you.

I understand how you need your freedom. You must believe one thing love, I never intended for us to end up like this. I wanted you to feel happy with me, forever. Like the happy you felt in the beginning before the accident. I never intended for you to become my caretaker. Or anyone for that matter. I do not wish that on anyone. Do you know how desperate I am sometimes? I never wanted this life. When I close my eyes I am still dancing. I am.

I will wait for you. Every week I am coming back to this hill and look over the valley. I am bringing my sandwiches, and I talk to you in the air. I sometimes lift my head and scream. I miss you so much. If only you'd have said something. If only you'd have said you'd walk off and would not return. It would have made such a difference. Because now I lost more than half of me. There is only 25% left, and that is not enough to live.

And that is why I will always desperately wait for you, because if I do not believe you will come back.....

***

February 14, 2017
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