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That "FEELING" ...

The one that makes you believe
That everything in your life,
No matter how messed up or negative,
Is actually wonderful ...
The feeling that, for a few hours,
Chases every bad thing in your life away ...
The feeling that gives you
Endless energy to create,

Even though you know it will be followed
By some of the worst feelings
You've ever known,
And even though you know
You've got to go to work in "the real world"
In just a couple of hours ...
The feeling that is the best feeling
You've EVER experienced times 100 ...

That incredible feeling,
Only lasts for about ten months ...
Period.
It never comes back ...
EVER.
Even though it's so amazingly
Powerful and life-changing
That you chase it for years afterward,

Hoping and praying that maybe
THIS time you'll feel it again,
Even for only a minute-or-two,
Never returns.
You think sometimes that maybe,
Just MAYBE,
If you stop taking the stuff that
Gave you this feeling for a while -

Months, maybe, or even years -
And then start it up again,
That you'll go back to the beginning
And get "that" feeling -
That amazingly intense euphoria -
But the reality is you DON'T,
Not even a tiny BIT.
You see, there's this biochemical

Thing that happens with the
Receptors in your brain,
This thing called "progression",
And it basically means that
The sites in your brain
That those wonderful chemicals bonded
To in order to give you those immortal,
Invincible feelings,

Those places have been filled ...
Permanently.
Even if you stop taking
The garbage that you're so emotionally,
Mentally,
And physically dependent on,
Even if you stay off it for TWENTY YEARS
And then start up again,

You will STILL never get
That incredible feeling back.
That feeling that's so powerful that
You'd sell your soul for it,
Ruin your life for it,
Lose everything you ever cared about for it,
Offend and alienate
Everyone you love for it,

Give up your sanity and health for it,
That feeling will never,
EVER be experienced by you again,
And there's nothing you can do about it.
But you'll keep chasing it,
You'll keep hoping and praying and
Pushing the boundaries of your habit,
Just in CASE there's a one-tenth of one percent

Chance that you may feel it once more -
Even for an instant ...
And you'll keep having to take
More and more of the curse that
Flows through your veins
Just to keep from being sick,
Cuz without it you're more sick
In your mind and body than you ever imagined

Was humanly possible,
And you'll do anything to
Keep from being that sick again.
So you take more and more,
And you feel less and less,
And you hope for the chase,
And eventually your
Heart and kidneys and other organs

Can just no longer process
All the chemicals in your blood,
And have been horribly damaged by the
Years of pushing the envelope,
No matter how "used" to it you've gotten,
No matter how tolerant you've become.
Eventually there is a
Point of no return -

A point where the checks and balances
Outnumber the levels your body
Has adjusted to over the years,
And it can just no longer ...
Adjust.
For a "feeling" -
All for a feeling ...
A feeling that is so powerful

It destroys your life,
And you KNOW it's doing so,
But the "feeling" overcomes every bit
Of intelligence and common sense
That you have ever pulled together.
And when you share
This nightmare about the "feeling" with
Others, they shake their head,

Cuz how could ANYone be so stupid
As to give up everything for a goddam feeling?!?
And you know,
As they're shaking their head,
That the ONLY reason they feel that way
Is because they've never FELT the "feeling" themselves,
Cuz if they DID,
They'd be right where you are,

And you hate them for it
And love them for it
All at the same time.
If only you had never felt that feeling,
You'd be where THEY are,
Instead of on the sure and short path
To oblivion that you're on now.
All you can do is watch the world go by,

The world full of people who FEEL,
Flowing by you in Hell,
The Hell that you created
For the sake of a feeling,
The Hell where you no longer feel ANYthing,
Where you go through the motions
With an emotional condom on,
Praying and hoping that someday,

By some sort of miracle,
You'll feel SOMEthing again,
Even though you know in your heart of hearts
That you already DIED years ago.
This zombie who now wears your face
Is just buying time until the stuff
That gave you that amazing "feeling"
Comes to claim the final prize ...

It already claimed your mind
And soul and spirit and
Ambition and dreams and LIFE,
It's just waiting to take your body,
But it keeps you around
For a while to make sure you know,
And everyone ELSE knows,
The truth ...

That the price of that amazing
Feeling all those years ago,
Is the lifetime void of REAL feelings
That you WOULD have experienced if
Not for the sake of those
Ten months of intense euphoria.
And the truly SAD ...
And dark ...

And horribly insidious thing about it all?
Is that most of those
Who have felt that "feeling",
And have lost everything because of it,
Would say, in their deepest
And darkest heart of hearts,
That it ...
Was ...

WORTH it.
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