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Poem
How we loved the same
Foods, had the same dreams,
Wanted the same future, longed for the
Same life together, loved the same movies
And songs and books and colors and clothes
And people. How we knew what the other was thinking
Without a word being spoken, how I no longer worried about
Tomorrows, because I knew there was no day I couldn't get through
Without you in my life. How the most amazing times of the day were waking
And going to sleep, because I knew for sure that you would be beside me. How your
Family felt like mine, and mine felt like yours, and how the happiest times were
When all of our kids were together with us, and we felt like it should
Be that way, and should've always been that way. How we
Hated the same injustices and crimes, and longed
For the same peaceful world, and how the joy
And ease of our invisible connection was
Plainly visible to others, just by the
Matching glint and sparkle in
Our smiles and eyes.

But that sparkle is
Gone, with you. Now my
Eyes just seep with sadness
And emptiness, and that endless flow
Mixes with the warm rain pelting my face, and
Flows to the ground with the rest of the storm's sodden
Emanation. How I wish it would take all that I feel, and all that
I long for, and all that I am, WITH it, where it drips from my clothes
And feet through the spaces in the deck and runs into the soil, and then makes
It's way slowly through the ground into streams and rivers to the ocean, where it becomes
Part of the boundless elements of the Earth and Universe. How I wish I was no
More than that, the elemental stuff that has no form or life or thoughts
Or FEELINGS or ANYthing that has actualization and "Id" and
Emotion. But despite the power of all my resolve and
Wishful concentration, the wind does NOT pick
Me up and carry me off to nothingness,
The storm does NOT break me
Apart with it's strength and
Fierce actualization.

My soul is NOT
Carried away with my
Lachryma to the sea, and the
Aching chasm in my being that YOU
Occupied is as bottomless and black and
Excruciatingly sepulchral as it ever was. It's silent
Screams tear away and decorticate the inside of my being,
And leave my heart bloody, raw and adamantine. The purity of that
Childish wish is not sacred or magical after all, and it seems that my curse
Is my SELF, and the undeniable fact that I am a being incarnate, with far more humanness
And tangibility and manifestation than can ever be shed by emotion or intent alone.
But SOMEthing has changed in me during this little ritual, something has
Been purged with this tropical storm's affect on me ... the warm rain
And wind lashing my sodden frame, arms still outstretched
In mock cruciform, (a selfish irony - my punishment
For having loved you). There's an anger that
Is gone now, there's a angst and
Shame that has been washed
Away and offered up.

Not anger at you or
Us or action or choice or
Desire or devotion or passion or
Hatred or regret or even LOVE, but anger
At ME, for having been such an unmitigated FOOL
Again ... for having put my heart up on the chopping block
And said, all too willingly, "Do your worst with it" ... I even gave
You the axe, keen and precise and warm from the grindstone. I can
No longer hold onto that hatred of myself, and this liturgy has pulled that from
Within, and taken it without ... for that I am thankful. But am I no more foolish for thinking
This rite of anguish would alleviate the sting and torment in my heart? It was foolish
And immature, inane and desperate, and it has been time wasted on
Something and someONE who doesn't give me so much as a
Thought! Never, ever again will I repeat this pointless
Act of disconsolation! I am better than this ...
I am bigger than this ... and I will
NOT be a fool for you any
Longer! I ... am ...
Very ... done!

(Well ... maybe just a while longer).
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