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Remember the day before you died? Your heart reeked of mania. The way you lied about your whereabouts broke my world into a mangling mess. Who cleaned up my mess? It used to be you. But as I tried to clean your mess, it seemed I had nothing left to live for anymore. Just like you. We were so alike, weren’t we? You and me, by the ebb of the sea… Sanctified freedom resides in the found, but you were lost not just for three months, but for many a year. You shed many a tear over my mistakes but I shed blood from my veins when you took that last drink. You know, the one that killed you? Remember that? I wish I saw your last drink because that means I would’ve been there to grab it from your hand so fast that it would’ve saved you. 

Remember the day before you died? I do. It was a chilly day in December and New Year’s Day was just two days away. I knew you’d be gone soon. I knew the way you were acting would profess into a manifestation of death. Your death. Your severely demented death. So sudden. I remember our last conversation. It was at 1:14 pm exactly. You know how I remember that? Because for years I kept that phone call on my memory in my phone. I would literally stare at it until my eyes shed salt from being open for too long. You said you were great and I was relieved. But deep down I knew I shouldn’t have dropped you off and left you alone. But I did anyways. Trying to get ahold of you at 1:57 pm was the beginning of my broken world. Call after call. Listening to your voicemail until it was full.

Remember the day before you died? I mean, do you really? Come on, I know you do Karen. I trusted you. I shouldn’t have. I needed to trust you, so I could trust myself around your moods. Oh, those moods. I could write a novel on your ups and downs. A six-hundred-fifty page novel expressing the everyday actions that should’ve been balanced…unbalanced. That’s actually the perfect word to describe you. I too have been unbalanced but never tilted down to one side so badly I wanted death to save my soul from misery. Your misery became my misery and my misery melted into the way I treated my family. My poor daughter was grieving for the loss of her Ti-Ti and I was selfishly grieving alone in my bedroom with Bo for days, months and for a few years. I regret those days. My ambition to do everyday activities died with you. I became nothing but a lost and lonely mess. No one could clean up my mess because….it used to be you who would pick me back up and set me straight.

Remember the day before you died? Your beautiful Golden Retriever had been through so much. Since he was a puppy he was a sensitive sweet boy. He followed me around that day, that I do remember clearly. The first night you didn’t come home is the first time he slept with me. The phone in my hand waiting for you to call with swollen eyes waiting for that ring…ring…ring… Still your voicemail full. Since then Bo became mine. My family of four turned into five overnight. I swept him into my arms and gave him a warm bed and arms to hold all of his one hundred-twenty-five pound body. He became my baby. My sweet boy who was lost and found by no one else but me. Two and a half months ago, I watched that sweet boy take his last breath. I pictured him running to your arms, but my mind would instantly stare at his eyes lifeless and his body still. No more heart beat and no more Bo. I spread some of his ashes at the site where you died and the rest on a shelf in a beautiful hand carved wooden engraved box.

Remember the day before you died? A day I’ll never forget and a day full of regret. 



***Today is the day before my sister Karen took her life. I know many of you may know I write quite a bit about the loss of my sister and I thank you for your kind words and support.***


December 30, 2016
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