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Moisture on a mirror
(A story of PTSD)
03/12/16
As I look back on my life. 
I know there is a much sadness and a conflict that I did not understand.
Many hours searching for answers that affected my life.
Over a period of time this has destroyed one’s love of life, confidence and self esteem.
It’s similar of two gigantic geographical plates pulling at each under the surface of the earth.
Ready to erupt on a sudden notice like an earthquake.
Which destroys what few accomplishments I have experienced.
This causes me to travel down roads that never lead to final destination or repeating the same conflicts.
Always reaching a certain plateau in life then falling back in frustration and fear.
Some are caused by mistakes in judgment, fear of the unknown or the anger I felt out of fustration.
My desperation not wanting to fail has caused majority of issues in my life.
Never being content with success, or poor judgment due to sense of failure.
Failing at work, relationships, financially or in the eyes of friends and family.
Beating up on one’s self esteem over daily mistakes.
I understand now that this causes the inability see one’s self as a good positive person.
Never finding a way to like that reflection of your self in the bathroom mirror in the morning. 
By leaving the moisture on the glass from the shower that hides or distorts the reality of yourself.
This causes the inability to be loved or share life.
Trying to find strength by being alone rather than being with others.
Hiding behind a wall within that protects you from rejection of others.
It’s not the fear of rejection by others that plagues me the most, but that of myself within.
How does one find that love and peace within.
It has as always amazed me how some people the roads of life are straight and narrow. 
Always staying focus, peace within, and enjoyment of life and of success. 
Finding love in relationships or faith in religion.
And yet others are constantly struggling to find that happiness and love of life.

I have always believed that everyday would be different believing that the solutions to my issues would be found.
As if a guardian Angel would place a hand on my head while sleeping and all would be resolved, by the next morning.
We live in a world that answers to life can be found about any subject in minutes, follow by instructions.
But this was not the case and answers were not to be found within a manual.

There was also a nagging reality that I lived with daily, that was I never was able to find love in relationships.
Never connecting with others, so my journey through life has been alone.
While excepting this negative perception by others as a reality.
This causes you to doubt your confidence even more of your appearance.
Which will lead you down avenues of desperation and quick answers that lead only to emptiness .
Desperation has a unique ability to find company of others that lead you on paths of self destruction or distraction.
So as of today I start a new journey in life.
Trying to find the love within.
And peace within my heart. That the anger and low self esteem will fade away with time and help of others.
That I can wipe way the moisture on the mirror and feel good about who I am.
One small step at a time to find the peace within my life.
And conquer the doubt and fear within.

NOTE:
In closing I was amazed that I never turned to drugs or alcohol and that my weaknesses never had the intent to hurt others intentionally.
 
Paul W Arnold
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