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They say it all makes sense now. 
All these medical oddities I've experienced at such a young age. 
My doctor insists that things have to make sense. 
He says it's his job, to find the reason. 
I baffle him with my hair loss and insomnia. 
My anxiety and depression. 
My dermatillomania and body pain. 
He says I don't make sense. 
I can't help but agree. 

Lately body aches have become a part of my everyday life. 
I've forgotten what living feels like without aching somewhere. 
Constant fatigue and nerve tingling also decided to crash the party. 

I used to say that it felt like my mind was fighting against me. 
Loneliness, anxiety and lack of sleep made functioning hard. 
I wondered what I did to deserve this hell that no one else could see. 
My own private cell. 
This was the year that my hair started to fall out in patches. 
I added it to the list of maladies. 

I've come to discover that my suffering makes others uncomfortable. 
My friends avoid the bags under my eyes and the ice packs placed over my body. 
The winces of pain seems to force them to avert their eyes. 
They don't know how to respond to so much medical issues bound into one body. 
Especially a body so young. 
The most discomfort they've experienced is in their young lives is a few stray injuries, all bound to a fun experience. 
I sometimes wish I could have such shallow knowledge in the ways of pain as them. 
I don't blame them for their awkwardness around me. 

We talked to others. 
Many people think I have either fibromyalgia or lupus. 
Every symptom I have is an exact copy of those filed under fibromyalgia. 
Except for the hair loss. 
That would just be another fun quirk I get to have. 
My doctor is happy. 
He says things finally have aligned themselves. 
It's a puzzle to him, nothing more.
Once I get diagnosed in April he will have solved it.

I've become more depressed. 
If it truly is fibromyalgia, I will have this for the rest of my life. 
Constant pain and malaise are not placed on my agenda. 
My mom says I need to adapt and keep moving. 
Few have taken into account my worries.
What will life be like for me?
A 15 year old who suffers from chronic pain and lives life with her ice packs and anxiety in tow.
How will I perform my beloved sports, when I can barely drag myself out of bed each morning?

My future is directed by fear of the unknown. 
I don't quite know what to do with myself anymore.
All of the art I love creating causes me unbearable pain.

I hope I'll be okay, one day.
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