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I was in second grade when I started comparing myself to other girls.
I asked myself, “why am i not her?” “why are my thighs bigger?” “why can’t i have her blonde hair that seems to flow in the wind when boys chase her around the playground, while i sit underneath the slide and wait for my turn that never seems to come?

i was nine years old when i first started hating what i saw staring back at me in the mirror. i thought my body was too big, that my legs were too muscular. that my teeth were too crooked. that i was too me, and not enough of her. 

i was in fifth grade when i first learnt what the word “annoying” meant and what a “diet” was. i also learned that i should just keep my mouth shut, because why open it when i have nothing useful to say and nothing beautiful to show?

i was 13 when i first cried in the bathroom at school because a boy liked blonde hair better than brown and i was 13 when i first started starving myself because i couldn't bear for another calorie to be added to my oh-so-heavy 100 pound me. 

when i was in 8th grade, i started to measure my self worth based off of what others thought of me. if a guy looked at my ass, then i was worth something. at school dances, my friends and i, we used to count the number of boys that asked us to dance. we’d go to someone’s house afterward and giggle and compare the amount. we’d feel dignified if we were the one with the most. like it proved something. it decided who was the most popular. the most beautiful. 

when i was in 8th grade, i also learned what slitting my wrists meant and i realized that it was easy to take away my pain. i learned what it felt like to have your dignity striped away and have one of your best friends leave you. i was told i wasn't good enough. i was told i wasn't pretty enough. i was told i was annoying, that i disappointed my family, that i didn't deserve life. 
so i believed them. 
and i almost ended the most precious gift that i have ever been given. 

and my freshman year of high school, i didn't only let myself enter a new school but i also let another person enter me. i thought that because he wanted me, i was beautiful. i traded my integrity for another’s lust. my innocence was striped away by a boy who didn't even know my last name.

the summer of my senior year, i was raped. a boy decided that he was selfish enough to take a piece of me that wasn’t his to take. i cried. i smoked. i drank to forget. but nothing could eat the pain. 
nothing eases the pain felt because of assault .
nothing eases the pain felt because of society. 
nothing eases the pain felt because of small-minded people who believe that some are better than others. 
nothing eases the pain. 

This Poem Is For All People Struggling With Society. 
Remember: You Are Society. Don’t Struggle With Yourself.
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