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Poem
The day I woke up
I will never forget
Confusion
An enormous pang of guilt hits me in the solar plexus
I curl up into the foetal position
As I remember

The guilt
How can I face it?
Them
Explanations will be expected
I will say it was accidental?
I didn't mean it
But I did 
And they found the note

I speak to a doctor
How do you feel? He enquires
I feel ok I lie
But he sees through my deceit
He is trained to discover my thoughts
He has a kind face
But can I trust him
I don’t want to be locked away

Can I tell him I feel angry?
That it didn't work and I don’t want to be here
In a world I am not good enough for
And a burden to those close
Can I tell him I am disappointed?
That no one will miss me
No one will care
So what if I die?
You don’t know me

Can I tell him I’m a terrible mother?
I did it to give my kids a better life
My depression clearly affects them
They deserve better than me
A life of happiness and joy
My state of mind prevents that
I feel so much guilt it kills inside
I have no money, our house second hand
I did it for them, my darling children
It is them I now have to face
 
Can I tell him I was happy?
The moment my decision was made
End my life and the constant pain
Peace for me  
Relief for my family
Knowing the end was near
I felt organised
A resolution found


Can I tell him I miss my loved ones?
Those who passed over the years
I felt that I needed them
To be near
To be loved
As I was
I feel alone
I imagined them all waiting for me
With open arms, smiles and big hugs

Can I tell him the guilt is too much?
I want to run as fast as I can
Jump of a bridge 
Or under a bus
I am gutted I’m here
I need to escape
I feel trapped like a wild animal
Awaiting my fate

But I will bide my time
Until no one suspects
“She’s fine just down in the dumps”
A cry for help
She just needs pills
Maybe therapy
Or just to talk 

No one will ever know
The misery and torture inside
That rips me to pieces 
Thwarts any chance of happiness
No light at the end of the tunnel
No hope of ending this suffering
A solitary silence I will hold
Until the time I get my wish
To be free, at peace, at last

So please don’t judge me
I tried my best but failed
I am not like you
I am weak
I am fragile
I cannot cope with what life gives
Many years wounded
Pain and suffering
In the dark and alone
I am damaged beyond repair
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