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Its been over 27 years coming
 this missive or letter,
 maybe poem ? 

I HATE Mother’s day !!
 with a passion ... I've said it ...
 The sheer relief is palpitating
 a load of my mind, and body,
 slithers away peacefully knowingly,
 just to see those words in writing,
 Actually I find the words out of reach
 to express my utter relief, just now 

Don’t get me wrong,
 It’s not that I don’t love or
 want to celebrate my mother
 or lack feeling for her
 Oh ! it’s completely the opposite 

Not only does it remind me what I miss (her)
 but it also reminds me, what,
 what I always felt I lacked
 (as a mother I mean), and I've felt
 it for many years, since my first 

My mother and hers and my father and his
 set the standards so high, so very high
 that I thought hey, I'm smart ?
 I can be a mother a better mother
 like no other, like no other indeed !

I remember receiving gifts
 being overwhelmed with joy
 that first mother’s day
 I was graced with that love
 and all those crazy
 Motherly emotions, we mothers feel
 I felt gratitude for all that
 and so much more 

But then doubt crawled into mind
 setting up house, making a home
 that would last the whole lifetime
 of my eldest son, until these past
 days filled with agony, measured
 no longer in minutes or hours
 but in each moment of pain 

I felt I hadn’t been there enough
 I knew, or thought I knew
 I hadn't loved them 'enough'
 or soothed their pains
 or made their bed 'enough',
 Jesus, the shit I poured
 down my own back 

I lack many things, though
 I had wisp of a dream
 that hope would win,
 I'd be a mother, like my own
 but that wasn't to be

life changed like a hurricane
 I lived one life and then
 another took its place
 no better or worse,
 just different 

my children never went without,
 then they did for more years
 than the former, I felt the pain
 each time I said 'no' but always
 tried to rob Peter paying Paul his due
 and went without, yes even food 

then slowly as times sands swiftly
 drew threw the hourglass
 they all left, got jobs, found love
 and made lives without me,
 I never get to see them much
 some more than others 

over time it’s taken its toll
 I thought lack of contact
 spoke about the mother I was
 how much I was loved
 I was right,
 it was saying something
 just not what I thought 

I have saved two of mine
 from the very hands of death,
 I have went without sleep
 for more reasons than I care to list
 I have answered the phone
 in the dead of night
 spoken about everything
 and nothing 

I missed a call to bail a man out
 but alas it was the one night
 I have known the hands of sleep
 all night, for a very long time
 so I forgive myself, even if he doesn't 

I have slaved and went without sleep
 Christmas night, just to see their
 little faces in the morning
 I always tried my best hoping
 and praying, yes praying !,
 (to that one in the second row
 Saying, "I always knew she prayed")

Some will take a shot at a guess
 at why I write this just now this close
 to a day that should be celebrated
 for all mothers the good ones and the bad 

It’s because even a bad mother can love
 with every fiber of her beautiful soul,
 even a bad mother can be a good mother
 on those days that end with a child’s peace 

As my days trickle to hours and minutes
 I know mothers never ever stop being mothers
 yes even the bad ones, can love forever
 with passion that burns from her womb 

There is a feeling that only a mother can feel
 and I don’t mean just birth mothers,
 I mean all mothers Biological or not
 they all feel it in their hearts and minds
 in their bodies and souls
 even the children she gave homes to
 (but not life), in doing so
 is giving a life to without
 knowing first breath,
 and yet still carry with them a love
 they will always bare
 then as times hand lays his head
 and says enough, she is gone 

it is now on this Mother’s Day
 I say, I hate mother’s day even more
 because I am a motherless child
 wishing for just a few moments more
 so I could tell my mother
 she was the best mother, like no other,
 Because she was mine 

--- 

Postscript:-

there’s a lesson here for you children
 those lucky enough to still have their mother
 give her a call and just say I love you, then hang up !!
 let her think what a "cray cray crazy" child she has
 but wouldn’t change for anything even life
 and I bet she smiles ... eventually 

time will never stand for no man or woman,
 So love your mother and tell her, once a week ? maybe? 

To my kindred souls who have felt the loss
 and the stinging cut of the wounds
 that drip with grief from their loss
 today I hate Mother’s day too ......

but there's a lasting but here,
 I forgive my beautiful soul,
 I gave 'enough', it was all I had ...
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