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Retrospective 
By Laura Dee Battle
January 14, 2015

Looking back at the Crimson shades of hell
The days where I couldn't bear to face my own reality
Showroom shines of smiles concealing secrets I would never tell
Not that I could tell them about the catastrophes I couldn't see

I had dreams where I was the man and she was the wife
A nice white picket fence with a green yard in my life 
But the harder I tried the more my soul burned inside
My heart swelled with blood that never reached my eyes 

I was young and I made my family so proud
But lurking inside was a storm in the white, fluffy clouds 
I wanted to die and shut off the agony   of being alive
I was a type-cast actor, but my delivery was contrived 

Nobody was fooled by my life-long stream of refracted truths
They just didn't know where I began and the lies discontinued 
If you were lucky, you saw me as the girl I really was 
You saw the care-free way I said things, just because 

They tried to ask questions they knew the answers to
They tried to tell me the truth I never even knew 
I was so lost in that prison of a hundred thousand lies 
Life was just to hard for me to defy the endless sea of judging eyes

It's hard to think that I never stood a chance 
It's like I learned all the steps but never how to dance 
How could I wage a war with no enemies to fight?
How could I find my way out of the darkness without light?

I'm still not very sure how this will end for me 
Some days I just feel like digging a hole six feet deep
I just don't know what to say to you today
Soon I'll find the words to explain my exile where I stay

All apologies, but what else can I say?
The life that I was meant to live just happened yesterday 
It's great that you're still here where things are crystal clear
Too many things to fear for me to hold my tears 

Reflected is the past in eyes like broken glass 
Im looking to the past for memories to hold
I guess my fate was set in motion 30 years ago 
I'm told that I am still alive...somehow I didn't die 

So maybe I'll just go with the flow
At least this time, I'll do it for me
I only hope it shows...
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