Email Poem

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Personal Note:
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Poem
You criticized me to the end of my 
existence. I completely lost myself, simply 
sitting made me anxious.
I was always waiting for you to call my 
name and point out another mistake. Self 
worth. What is that?
Quite frankly, I'm trying to rediscover 
mine. Since it has been perished. 
Diminished along with the feeling of 
comfort.
I'm not comfortable anymore. I'm sorry if 
you think I'm superficial for liking clothes.
But I'm forever searching for an outfit that 
I don't have to tug at and readjust like my 
attitude.
Sorry if my attitude isn't chipper when I 
first wake up in the morning after only 
getting 3 hours of sleep
because I had lay awake and analyzed 
every single one of my actions for the day,
after you insisted on pointing out 
everything I could have done better. Sorry 
that you think I'm a perfectionist,
because I'm more than aware that I'm not 
perfect. More than aware, because you 
remind me everyday.
I actually don't strive to be perfect, I just 
strive to be accepted. Your voice is like 
acid to my ears. 
All I want is one day of not having to hear 
your icy tone after you call me ignorant.
But ignorance is bliss, don't you know? I 
am so lost now that I actually miss the 
days that I was naive to this world.
The days where I just nodded and obeyed. 
Thinking that it would eventually change 
you.
But no...it changed me. I've become a 
heartless *****. Actually, I care SO much.
Though, no one knows that. If I come off 
as a *****, I'm truly sorry. But I feel 
constantly on edge,
like I have to either defend or prove 
myself. If someone compliments me, it 
has to be a joke.
Who could compliment such a worthless 
piece of human existence.
That's what I think of myself now. Your 
fault? No, it's mine. My fault for not being 
able to overcome this.
My fault for turning to drugs because 
Molly was the only one who could make 
me happy. 
I counted how many times I genuinely 
laughed this year. Six. All of them when I 
was high.
My fault for locking myself in the 
bathroom and not being able to look in the 
mirror without bursting into tears because 
I hated myself so much.
I'd sit there and write out lists. Lists of 
everything I needed to change about 
myself, because what I needed to change 
about myself was everything.
But, then what does that leave? Nothing. 
And if I am nothing, then I no longer exist.
I spent so much time trying to be good 
enough for you, that I forgot about what 
was good for myself.
Gabriella? Yeah I knew that girl. But she 
disappeared the day that she met you.
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