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I know a man who went to the zoo but they wouldn’t let him out,
So hairy was his body that his heritage was called into doubt.

He asked to have a lawyer but none of them would take his case,
None of them thought that he had a prayer after looking him in the face.

“I am not an animal,” he pleaded to them, “I’m just a hairy guy,”
“If you’d only check my DNA you’d know that it’s no lie.”

So a judge ordered that the test be run to see if he was a man,
To confirm once and for all that he belonged to the human clan.

When the results of the test came back and the answer could be seen,
The man was surprised to learn that he carried the grizzly gene.

“Hmm,” he said as he pondered upon his own reflection in the mirror,
This sheds new light on my life and I can see things so much clearer.”

It helps me to understand why it is that when I visit at the park.
I feel the need to scratch my back by rubbing it against tree bark.

And why when I get the urge to eat seafood it always seems to be,
No restaurant ever can serve raw Salmon that’s fresh enough for me.

It explains why when a driver cut me off as he dialed to make a call,
At the next stoplight I pulled him out and devoured him phone and all.

I guess now that I think of it I’ve suspected it for quite some time,
But what can you do if you’re a Grizzly bear? It certainly isn’t a crime.

The court decided that he had a point and that his upbringing was the cause,
So they couldn’t bring themselves to remove him from his teeth and claws.

Even though his violent ways were something that couldn’t be neglected,
There wasn’t much that they could do because his species was protected.

So they tagged his ear and fastened a GPS that utilizes satellite high tech,
And now his wife and kids can track him by the collar around his neck.

You might think that for them this situation might be something terrible,
But they are all adjusting quite well and their lives have become bearable.
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