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Dear Miss Monkey Manners, please help me if you can,
I’m having trouble with my fiancé and the “you know what” has hit the fan.
I am a reasonable chimpanzee and I have ambitions for my life,
One of the dreams that I hold most dear is to one day get a wife.
But my work in TV commercials has sullied my true love’s views,
She thinks that the only respectable position is on the evening news.
She made me mad at what she said and because of the breeding of my species,
The first thing that I thought to do was to launch a hand full of my feces.
I let it fly but my aim was poor and nearly hit a photo of her old man,
It went wide to the left and I accidently hit her treasured window fan.
Please tell me what I can do to win her back, this loss has sent me reeling.
I just want to be with her once again and like a banana be appealing.

Dear gentle simian reader, the answer to your problem is not the one you’ll like,
This chimpy chick does not deserve you and you should tell her to take a hike.
What choice did she leave you? Your actions were the only course to take,
Is she going to question every decision that you should ever want to make?
Go to her right now, collect up all of your bananas and then you should flee,
Get back into the swing of things and go find yourself another tree.
It’s nothing that you’ve done wrong and that’s why you need to escape,
She knew when she started seeing you that you were just an ape.
Girls, don’t try to change your men or you will push them to revolution,
I’m sick and tired of all of you who still believe in their possible evolution.
Take your time to find your guy and don’t think that you can create one.
If you don’t want to live with a hairy ape why would you even date one?

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