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A Doctor’s Personal Notes

By Elton Camp

See John Jones on my appointment list
Several things on which I must insist
Even though I know he’s doing just fine
A few little tests won’t be out of line

No X-rays since way last year
Even though they came up clear
It would be wrong if he is denied
New pics from front, back, and side

Also will do a check on his bone density
To osteoporosis his wife has propensity
Can make him think his might be thin
Since the problem found among his kin

He will not know to say
“We don’t have same DNA
Genetics come from those before
Never from the wife you adore.”

“And another thing, my man,
Time you had a Cat Scan”
He won’t know that needless radiation
Can contribute much to cancer formation

That test will show me why
Jones should also have an MRI
Picture will be so clear
Every detail will appear

Neither of those I know how to read
But really think there will be no need
If unexpected should come to pass
Then I will have “covered my ass.”

Also, it will doubtless be best
To give him another stress test
Though he is only thirty-five
Heart trouble could arrive

Then will come the next exam
Little thing called arteriogram
Though lack justification why
To put into him all that dye

Causing a stroke is very rare
Of that risk he isn’t aware
There’s no real reason why
It should cause him to die

Then check out every nook
Give his colon a good look
At his age colon cancer is so rare
But refuse my advice he won’t dare

Office visit fees are just not enough
To pay for all the latest neat stuff
What I have learned way before
Real money is from tests galore

Knew he has a fine medical plan
I checked before his visits began
If he didn’t prove to have that
As patient, turn him down flat

Insurance I truly love
It is a gift from above
Patient helped stay healthy
While I grow more wealthy

Nobody has any right to grouse
Because I built a fine new house
Long as I keep them coming back
Every year can get a new Cadillac

My wife I am about to divorce
Will cost much money, of course
In order for me to make it back
Patient visits must stay on track

“First, do no harm”
Causes me no alarm
If by true ethics I fail to abide
Other docs will help me hide

Need not fear being called to account
Can charge Blue Cross just any amount
Because I am a noble healer 
Not some sleazy double dealer
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