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My House is For Sale

By Elton Camp

I put a sign into the yard.
It shouldn’t be very hard.
My house is just the best,
It is far above all the rest.

For sale by owner sounds so easy
Though strangers make me queasy.
For appointment you must call
If even to see my house at all.

You should see me flash a grin
When all the eager calls begin.
Each of them will then quickly say,
“How much for your house today?”

When you tell them the price.
They say,“Oh, that’s so nice.
I’m your neighbor next door.
Wondered what it’s going for.”

I give tours to those who ask.
And in their fake interest bask.
“I think your house is just fine
And I so want to make it mine.”

“I will call back in a day or so,
Please hold and don’t let it go.”
“Then pay something down”
Always brings a sour frown.

Bogus buyer calls no more
All will stay just as before
He never really meant to buy,
It was only a chance to spy.

Time comes to work with pros.
I find there are plenty of those.
“Sell your house quick as can be
And for such a reasonable fee.”

It’ll be my true delight
To have exclusive right
When your home I sell,
I’ll be doing very well.

Open house we hold today
For it, you must go away.
If put into a spotless state
Perhaps very high it’ll rate.

All at the showing went well.
Two hot prospects I can tell.
One comes for second look.
Trust me now, he’s no crook.

And when he comes back,
Quickly please begin to pack.
Because you’ll be moving out 
I say it without a single doubt.

Sorry, but he said “No dice.”
Least not at the asking price.
But you’ll like he did proffer 
What we call a low ball offer.

Your furniture has to stay
And accept his price today.
His current offer is the top.
And tomorrow, it will drop.

For you to avoid defection,
Got to pass home inspection.
If any problem should arise,
Must be fixed before he buys.

Earnest money he will pay
But not over $500, no way.
If the deals goes off the track
He must get every dime back.

Oh, did I think to mention
It is his inflexible intention
That the roof be made new
Also, his list of jobs to do?

Certainly, you pay closing cost
If not, the sale is sure to be lost.
And give money to redecorate.
Your sense of style they so hate.

The deal is one you must take
For my own commission’s sake.
Now, don’t you dare try to stall
You’re lucky to get a sale at all.
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