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We went shopping
The misses and me
And afterwards we went
To our favourite café for a tea

The misses decided 
She wanted to visit her brother Jim
She said “Since we in town,
“I have somefink to give to him”

So off we go to the bank 
That’s where he works
His a no body 
Just one of many clerks

We approach the counter
Me misses says “I wanna see Jim”
“Tell him it’s his sister” 
“And I have somefink for ‘im”

“By the way, she says
“He should have a parcel for me”
The manager behind the counter said
“Jim is out to lunch you see”

“Well said me misses give him this
She pulled out a potato peeler
The manager’s eyes open
He seemed a bit of a Sheila

He quickly turned around 
And gave me misses a parcel
But wouldn’t take the potato peeler
The stupid arse hole

Off we went back home
I slumped in the chair and watched some TV
Later the misses brought the parcel
And sat next to me

She open the bag 
And all of a sudden a loud exploding sound
I thought me misses was killed 
From the wet splatters all around

I looked at her 
What a sight
Her face and arms were evenly coated orange
Which, boy, gave me an even bigger fright

I looked down in the bag
It was filled with money
Covered in a bright orange dye
My throat dried, this was not funny

Moments later a knock on the door
Me misses answers and voices say we arresting you for theft
You have orange dye on you 
So we need to search the house, step to the left
 
I peep out, there, 
A bloody police van
Me misses says you will do no such thing
This is fake tan

She reaches in her bag
Out come a bottle of orange fake tan
The police apologies 
And off they go in their van

The CCTV tapes they probe
Blank
And arrest the manager
For an inside job

For a whole month 
I stayed at home washing me orange spots
I managed to fade them 
And got a sick note for chicken pox.
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