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Archie Bunker at the Pearly Gates

By Elton Camp

Archie almost died at the loading dock
The experience, to him, quite a shock
“If the crate hadn’t missed, I’d be dead”
The scary thought ran through his head

That night he had a most troubling dream
Because completely real to him it did seem
When fluffy white clouds and angels he spied,
Archie then suddenly realized that he had died

“I am sure it will be as I’ve always been told
With the streets all paved with the finest gold.
A place where I can lie about on a cloud all day
And I’ll have a golden harp I can learn to play.”

“I just can’t wait to get my pair of feathery wings.
I’ve always thought I’d like to have them things.
And a glowing halo circling up above my head.
Maybe it ain’t gonna be so bad, this being dead.”

He spotted a neon sign that had the following to say:
“To the pearly gates, please proceed along this way.”
As he trod the narrow path, he glimpsed far over there
A lofty, shining palace--it was a city built foursquare

Archie found the pearly gates and he began to knock
What happened next gave him a most horrible shock
St. Peter had a beak-like nose and quite swarthy skin
Peter look at him with a grin.  “Hello Archie, come in.”

“For me to be around a guy like youse won’t do.
People will think that youse might be a Hebrew.”
Peter told Archie what was historically true:
Each of the earliest Christians had been a Jew.

“And if youse has got any coloreds inside there,
Then whether I come in, I sure as hell don’t care.
If that’s the kind of place heaven’s gonna be,
Then it ain’t no place for a white guy like me.”

Archie then woke up with a piercing scream
“Oh, Edith, I just had the most terrible dream.
I went way up to heaven, but far as I could tell,
I would really just as soon have to live in hell.”

(Note:  This is a parody for the sake of humor
and does not represent my theological views.)
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