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Sitting, watching my favorite fishing channel on TV,

Then I hear my wife screaming, calling out to me.

I run up the stairs, into the bathroom, a huge spider,

She stopped screaming and I saw what frightened her.


I was startled when I gawked at first glance,

Have you seen one this big? Don’t raise your hands all at once.

I took off my slipper and with a might thwack,

Hit the bugger right across its back.
 

It just stood there dazed; surely it must have felt pain,

I thought it had looked at me as if to say tickle me again.

I put on my thick rubber gloves and gave it another whack,

Quickly picked it up wrapped it in tissue, flushed it and that was that.


My wife was all over me, hey to nights the night,

I actually did something for once that was right.

She took her shower and beckoned me to the room,

I felt the same way as if I were a newly wed groom.


So I took my shower tarted myself up for the kill,

Killing that spider earned me brownie points, a good deal.

I put on my gown and looked in the mirror, combed the eye brows, 

Then I saw it, bigger than one I killed the size of a turd from a cow.


It covered my head and it began to hiss,

This spider was a mother of a size and it was pissed.

I screamed not a the sight of it but what was to happen,

My wife had a 2x4 aiming for it, ready to clap him.


 I moved forward toward the mirror, the spider saw itself and jumped to attack,

The 2x4 came down with force and hit me on the head and the back.

I fell toward the spider and screamed, it jumped in my mouth, 

I passed out but before I did I felt it trying to head south. 


I fell on the wash basin, my teeth scraped the bowl chopping it in two,

In my unconscious state my mouth began to chew

The ambulance driver thought the foam in my mouth was due to a cardiac arrest

So they gave me two thousand volts on the chest


I got up with a scream, spat the arse end of the spider that made me choke

It stuck to the ambulance driver’s nose which I then broke

This happened at such a fast pace

Now I had my head stitched up and I’ve been done for GBH


Ps. I am still waiting to get some Love


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