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Since I first put on the greasepaint, smooth as cream on morning toast, they said I had a gift for making people laugh. Natural as breathing. Effortless as falling. Born to perform like a bird in flight. So I've kept that image, polished it like brass until it gleamed.

    beneath the painted face
    real tears flow like hidden streams
    the clown weeps alone

I didn't let them down. Not once. Jokes landed like perfectly thrown darts, pratfalls executed precisely as sharp as a surgeon's blade, balloon animals twisted just right, supple as young willow branches. No frowns, no tears showing through, just painted smiles fixed like porcelain and "Yes, I'll make you laugh." "Yes, I'll be your joy."

    red nose like sunset
    hides the gray dawn of sorrow
    laughter echoes, fades

I built a persona that made audiences roar like thunder with delight. Slowly, as quietly as fog was rolling in, I forgot to ask myself, "Are you laughing too?" Well, I guess I am. I've brought happiness to thousands, scattered like seeds in fertile ground. But looking back now, I feel a deep sadness creeping in like winter's chill.

    applause rises high
    while inside, something crumbles
    silence behind smiles

Every standing ovation feels like a silent contract, binding as steel chains. Every bout of laughter from the crowd falls like stones, disregarding the possibility that I could be crying inside. The applause has become a cage, bars invisible as air but strong as iron.

   painted mask cracks slowly
    revealing the man beneath
    no one wants to see

It's like my real face, the one that frowns like storm clouds, fears like a child in the dark, and feels like raw nerves exposed, never got to be seen because a painted one was always there, constant as the North Star, always expected, always demanded.

    mirror shows a stranger
    wearing my reflection's skin
    which one is real now?

I chose this red nose round as a cherry, this colourful wig wild as autumn leaves, and these oversized shoes like boats on my feet. I should bear their weight with pride. But as time passes by, steady as a river's flow, they grow heavier, each prop becoming an anchor that drags me deeper into character and further from myself.

    costume grows heavy
    like armour rusted with tears
    the jester's burden

Now that I'm older, the makeup feels less like art and more like armour I can't remove, welded to my skin. I wish to live without it. To feel emotions without immediately translating them into slapstick. To cry without turning my tears into the setup for a punchline. To rest without the guilt that somewhere, someone needs to laugh. To simply be human without having to perform humanity first.

    dawn breaks, paint remains
    wishing for naked sunlight
    on my true face

But here's the cruel irony, sharp as a knife's edge: after years behind the paint, I wonder if I still know how. With a heart that's learned to break in private like glass in velvet, a mind that automatically juggles sorrows into entertainment like a reflex beyond control, and hands that tremble like autumn leaves without props to hold, can I ever just be me?

    empty hands tremble
    searching for something to hold
    besides false laughter

Is it even possible to find my way back to the person I was before the first laugh rang out like a bell, before the first show opened like a flower, before I became everyone's joy but my own?

    lost in the funhouse
    seeking the exit mirror
    which reflects the truth?
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