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Right, listen up, the moon is in its ascendancy, Saturn is aligned with Venus, the other planets will align at 09.53 and 1017am.

Wish I’d never bought you that astrology book now, you’ve finally lost the plot.

Don’t get funny, now is not the time for hilarity. At 9’53 we will be doing it in the horizontal position, 1017 we will be going vertical.

What are we doing at 1070.

Jesus wept, 9.53 we’re having sex, then again at 1017.

What’s with all these positions.

Quite simply, the horizontal position you’ll impregnate me, then the vertical position you’ll impregnate me again, thus pushing the previous sperm further up the baby chain. Remember, this is working sex we’re having, so don’t be getting amorous.

Something tells me I won't be getting amorous, actually, I remember the days when I wanted to rip your clothes off, now I want to put them all back on again.

Do you want a baby or not, don’t think for a minute I enjoy this type of sex, it just has to be done, just fantasize to get through it? Oh, and at 3.07 in the morning I’ll arouse you, do you want woke up or will I just get on with it.

Oh, god I’ve finally gone to hell, this woman is insane, better not say use a vibrator, or she’s sure to kill me.

Just wake me up honey, I’ll be ready.

Great, can’t wait till little Sebastian, Bartholomew, is born.

Little Sebas, Bart, who. Did I leave the planet and come back again, where did these names come from? I mean, what’s wrong with, Paul.

I don’t want my little boy reminding me of you, I’ll probably dump you after the birth anyway. Plus,  Sebastian, Bartholomew is quite regal, whereas, Paul is just, not so regal if you know what I mean.

That is just great, I’m literally bending over backwards to get you pregnant, and I don’t even get a reward for it.

So anyway, 9 months later baby Paula was born, and she left. Four years later we were walking up the High St and guess who we met. Little  Sebastian, Bartholomew, dressed in a little suit, looking all regal. As we walked away, Paula turned to me and asked who those weird people were.

Well, Paula, she’s called vertical, and the wee boy is called, horizontal.
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