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I don’t want to feel.
I tried that and it didn’t work. I tried to numb myself because I just feel alone. I don’t want to talk about it because feeling pathetic is not a very easy thing to express. I want to be better, I want more than I have right now. Right now I feel ill at ease. I’m just alone, I know people care but I just don’t feel seen or heard or maybe I’m just lacking intimacy, I’m so closed off to it..

Where the  am I? Who even is this? What am I doing here? I thought this would be easy but it’s really not. I’m loosing myself a little bit every day. I don’t know what has brought me here? I can’t hold a conversation because I don’t really care or feel cared for. I think I did it because I don’t have much to loose but I think I’m loosing it. I keep trying to find myself but it’s like being in a deep fog and only hearing the ships horn in the distance. It sounds so far away. It’s so quiet at times and so much looks lie a blur. I feel like  again and maybe it’s because I’m a lone or maybe I’m hungover or sobriety is bringing me down. Maybe I’m angry and want to rage out but keep pointing the aggression inwards. I don’t know if I don’t feel or if the complex emotions are being crushed beneath the weight of my shame. Can I be honest with myself? Are you in love with her? No, but is that true? If you said yes how would that make you feel? Stupid and alone. You can’t have her and you know that so can you get over it? If you let it go are you scared that you won’t find the feelings elsewhere? You don’t have to beat yourself up just because you were rejected. It was so long ago but the situation hasn’t changed! I know you love her but that doesn’t change the fact you are a loser. You won’t get the girl, you won’t be a father, you won’t get your dream job and you will not be happy or wealthy. Is that what you want me to say? I don’t know these things and if you literally do nothing all that is true but it doesn’t have to be. Sure there are things out of your control but thats life sucker. Man up for a change. Or don’t, just sit here and be sad. Where the  am I? No wonder you can’t talk to anyone you piece of , you could have been someone, it was never about winning, you needed to find peace. Stop it with your hippy bull, I’m sick of you being so overwhelmed at everything. Make a plan and go with that, if you fail you fail but if you don’t try you will never learn anything. I keep getting stuck. Like running a race backwards with my eyes closed in crawling when I need to jump. See you are not making sense. You do this, you build up these images and metaphors because you think you sound cleaver. I know you’re not dumb but you get so caught up in the scared child ego. Alright, no one wants to play with you, that’s ok, grow the  up and stop wasting your time on this bull. She doesn’t want you romantically but she loves you as a friend. Love yourself and not just your dick. I know you are tired, you are always tired. Wake up arsehole! Where do you want to go? So right now you don’t have many options, whose fault is that, yes yours. You can’t stop caring about this child ego and that’s ok but there’s more of you for the world than the scared little boy you want to cheer up. You are not dead inside. You can still love and be loved. Get your head out of your arse you whining little . Do something, anything. Don’t hurt yourself anymore, it’s not worth it. What do you want to do? Sort your ing life out..

I think I used to go on social media and see friends living their lives and it was nice to see what they were up to. Now I just see people I used to know. I have two friends, they both have more going on in their lives that I do. I hear about it and lend a sympathetic ear but I move so slowly through the world is like I don’t even move. I go from one place to the next and have no real engagement with anything. I don’t have fun anymore. I don’t laugh much. I feel so disconnected. I used to care and it’s hard to admit that I used to care. I’ll just sit here in the dark not moving, writing to myself with my fears and anxieties. If I died people would miss me but they wouldn’t loose much. I’m not even really here. Why are you so sad and feeling sorry for yourself today. I’m tired and feeling like I need to be kind to you. Sometimes you scare me a little bit and I get worried where this is going? Is this a downward spiral? I know you used to enjoy things. You were different when Beth was around. You were living, sort of. You smiled more and ate better. You were happy but that didn’t work out and you have been stuck since then. I know that’s frustrating and you want to throw your phone. It won’t help, maybe this is helping but are you just passing time waiting for your friend to get home as you live in her house and have nowhere else to go. You can’t even be alone right. It’s a bit tragic. What a waste of a life. If only you had drugs right? Well that’s not great to hear but I get it, there is comfort in self soothing. I don’t have a drinking problem I have a depression problem. You can’t fix that, that’s just who you are but it’s not nice to think you have to accept that either. You can obviously bash your head against a wall all you like but there are better ways to feel. Do you think you know what the problem is yet? I swear if you say you are the problem I’m going to rage. Stop choosing to be the victim or the accused. There’s plenty to be doing..
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