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This selection of Christmas carols, in themselves, has little value as songs or poems.  Their importance lies chiefly as a historical footnote, as some scholars believe they may have been works written by history’s most famous Yuletide grouch, that green-tinged gentleman, the Grinch.  Perhaps, also, they may serve as a cautionary tale; to illustrate the depths the Christmas spirit can sink in a being born with a heart two sizes too small.  I understand he’s improved somewhat, as he’s been doing deep healing work with some Whos down in Whoville.        

The Last Noel

The last Noel, I heard myself say
unto certain stressed shoppers, “Get out of my way.
Get out of my way, don't take my space
if you take my parking spot, I'll break your face.”
Noel, noel, noel, noel - 
take warning from this tale I tell. 

They looked up and saw a crowbar
coming from the east onto their car, 
and to these folks, it gave a great fright. 
They were there for shopping, not for a fight.
Noel, noel, noel, noel - 
take warning from this tale I tell. 

Just then, up came some police cars. 
Three wise guys put me behind bars.  
To seek Christmas peace was their intent, 
but I didn't know peace, whatever that meant.
Noel, noel, noel, noel -
take warning from this tale I tell.   

What was it that had me possessed?
Christmas stress could be better expressed.
I had time to think during my stay.
I looked into the place where my heart should lay.
Noel, noel, noel, noel -
take warning from this tale I tell. 

Then entered more wise guys three,
and, luckily, they set me free,
saying fix that car at your expense,
and be nice when you buy frankincense.
Noel, noel, noel, noel - 
take warning from this tale I tell. 

Then, I fixed that poor man's Accord 
and sang praises to the heavenly Lord.
Now, I say "park first", 'cuz I did pass
my Christmas anger management class.
Noel, noel, noel, noel -
take warning from this tale I tell.

 
OMG Christmas Tree

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
I have to say I'm worried.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
I have to say I'm worried.
When mom sees it, she'll yell 'til hoarse.
She'll ask again for a divorce.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
I have to say I'm worried.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
Of all the trees so homely;
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
Of all the trees so homely; 
Each year dad gets us something cheap,
But this year, I'll cry myself to sleep!
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
Of all the trees so homely.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
You're a strange tree to be displayed.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree,
You're a strange tree to be displayed.
Dad got drunk, didn't try too hard,
Cut down the lemon tree in our yard.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
We'll make lemons into lemonade.

 
The Loud Drummer Boy


Will you get me, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
A new drum set for me, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
If, from the store you bring, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
You won't regret this thing, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM RUM PUM PUM PUM RUM PUM PUM PUM
So, Santa will have it, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM 
When he comes

Ooh, thanks daddy, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
I'll be like Ringo Starr, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
and Daddy, you can sing, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
You won't regret this thing, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM RUM PUM PUM PUM RUM PUM PUM PUM
Shall I play for you, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM 
On my drum?

Mommy held her head, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
While I kinda kept time, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
I played my drum for them, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
I played my best for them, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM RUM PUM PUM PUM RUM PUM PUM PUM
Mommy tried to smile at me, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM
Me and my drum
Me and my drum
Me and my drum
Me and my drum

 
The ‘Lil Lad and Lassies - to the tune of The Holly and the Ivy

The 'lil lad and lassies,
when December comes around,
will become a prince and princesses.
They'll wear the Christmas crowns.
The rising of the sun
will say the special time is here,
and the angel atop the tree
will sing in a voice so clear.

The lad is growing bigger
like a seedling grows to a tree.
He's man of the house now,
a responsibility.
The rising of the sun
will say the special time is here,
and the angel atop the tree
will sing in a voice so clear.

The lassies, they work hard. 
Their mommy is gravely ill.
She's looking out the window,
laying deathly still.
The rising of the sun
will say the special time is here,
and the angel atop the tree
will sing in a voice so clear.

The 'lil lads and lassies,
when December came around,
had only one another.
That's the gift they found.
The rising of the sun
will say the special time is here,
and the angel atop the tree
will sing in a voice so clear.
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