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'Twas the night before Christmas and I still had gifts to buy.
I procrastinated getting it done; a terrible fault I can't deny.
As I juggled bags of presents that cost far too much money,
A sidewalk Santa winked and said, "How ya doin' Honey?"

I scowled at the red-faced fake before hitting him with his bell
then said, "You should be ashamed of yourself. What the hell?"
I stopped for coffee at Starbucks but needed something stronger.
I'd had enough of this mayhem and couldn't take it much longer.

But home I couldn't go without the doll my little girl wanted.
I'd fight the crowd to find Connie Coo and I'd do it undaunted.
I pushed and shoved other shoppers in the department store
and with clenched fists I had a purpose. I was ready for war!

I spotted Connie on Aisle Four and shouted, "That doll is mine!"
Someone snarled and said, "Wait your turn, lady.  Get in line."
I felt my temper begin to boil but cooled it down with a sigh.
I started humming, "Oh, you better watch out, better not cry..."

Only two people ahead of me. Looked like I'd be getting the last.
But the woman in front of me wanted two, so I had to think fast!
"Look," I pointed. "There's more Connie dolls and they're on sale!"
I've used that trick a time or two and it works without fail.

By the time she finally figured out that my pitch was just a ruse,
I had that darn doll in my bag. Not my fault the woman was obtuse.
My child wouldn't be disappointed when Santa didn't deliver.
Now, I had to figure out what else Santa Claus would give her.

When my tummy started rumbling. I knew I needed to eat.
I bought a slice of pepperoni pizza but then couldn't find a seat.
Holding purchases in my left, and hot pizza in my right hand,
A glob of sauce splattered on my blouse. Ain't Christmas grand?

I went off to find the car and stash all my packages in the trunk.
By this time, I was totally exhausted and infected with holiday funk.
The shopping mall had a tiny parking lot, so I had to do some walking
and feared a man behind me wanted my bags. The creep was stalking.

No security was in sight, so I'd have to deal with this guy myself.
I turned, ready to battle him, but he was even shorter than an elf.
I stopped myself in the nick of time from spraying him in the face
Somehow, I'd managed to open my purse and find the can of mace.

I sat a moment in the driver's seat, trying my best to stay calm
when I felt the need for a toilet, sure this was not a false alarm.
I walked as fast as my legs allowed me to on the slippery street,
while holding my butt cheeks together. It was NOT an easy feat.

I prayed there'd be no line waiting for women's bathroom stalls
or I'd have an accident spilling from me, worse than Victoria Falls.
I pinched my legs together hoping ladies would make it quick
but one was moaning and heaving. Oh, she was going to be sick!

I made it in time, but as I put a tissue cover on the toilet seat,
it was a titch too late to drop everything I had need to excrete.
Well, now I had to add another purchase to my long shopping list.
I cursed under my breath, wanting to hit something with my fist.

I left my undies in the garbage and headed for ladies' lingerie.
Would there ever be a happy ending to this nightmare of a day?
Ten bucks lighter for lace and another trip to the bathroom stall,
when my phone started ringing and I couldn't ignore the call.

It was a neighbor saying there was smoke coming from my house,
and that she'd called my husband but couldn't reach my spouse.
I heard sirens from a fire truck and knew where they were going...
Two miles from where I stood, the night sky had started glowing.

'Have yourself a merry little Christmas,' is what I was thinking,
wishing I was at a bar and not caring what I would be drinking.
I should be in a hurry to get home but decided I'd rather unplug
myself from the holiday season and I cried out, "Bah Humbug!"

'Twas a wretched night before Christmas that I will never forget.
I gave in to what a responsible person would do, and with regret,
I entered the freeway, but a drunk driver was blinded by the snow.
Now, I'm waiting for an ambulance. Merry Christmas ~ HO HO HO.
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